


Bleak

by Maisie_top_trash



Series: Eating Disorder AUs [5]
Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: Anorexia, Anxiety, Depression, Eating Disorder, F/M, Hospitalisation, Medication, Mental Illness, Self Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-12
Updated: 2018-12-21
Packaged: 2019-09-16 21:53:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 36,469
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16962168
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maisie_top_trash/pseuds/Maisie_top_trash
Summary: Josh and Tyler are the same age but worlds apart.Having managed to overcome anorexia in high school, Josh thought he'd seen the last of it. The problem with that being that nobody can ever truly 'overcome' anorexia, a major relapse and over a decade later, the words 'treatment-resistant' were being jotted on his medical records and Josh had no idea where that left him. Watching from the sidelines, Tyler is desperate to help his best friend, but doesn't know how. The situation is seeming increasingly hopeless.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> TW for eating disorders and some brief mentions of self harm and suicide, then discussion of death later on in the fic. Please be careful!

_Hey bud_

Josh saw the message flash up on his phone alongside Tyler’s name, and immediately sighed. It was nice to hear from his oldest and dearest friend, but Tyler didn’t do casual chit chat. If he messaged, he had an agenda, and Josh wasn’t in the right frame of mind to be reassuring him that he truly was doing okay.

Before reaching for his phone, Josh picked up his plate from his lap and set it down on the coffee table in front of him, making sure the remaining half of his evening snack stayed arranged in its pattern of green grape then salted pretzel then red grape then salted pretzel then green grape all over again. It was prettier that way.

Next he paused the episode of Inside the Factory - this particular one detailing the processes that go into making ready meal curries. It was interesting, and he was enjoying it, but his ability to multitask was limited at the best of times and he knew Tyler would require far too much of his attention for him to be able to keep up with his favourite show. Only once the screen froze did Josh grab his phone.

_Hey_

_Jenna was just saying that she feels like she hasn’t seen you in ages and she’s missing you, and it’s been 2 weeks since I saw you either so we were wondering whether you wanna hang out?_

It hadn’t been 2 weeks, Tyler was exaggerating. He did that a lot. In actuality Tyler had popped into the café that Josh worked in 10 days ago and sat at one of the tables close to the counter so they could talk whenever there weren’t any customers to serve. It had been a fairly busy shift and they didn’t get to talk much, but to say they hadn’t seen each other in 2 weeks was a lie. The bit about not seeing Jenna in a while was true, although he wasn’t so sure that she really did miss him, it was probably just Tyler’s excuse to check up on him.

_Okay, that would be nice_

_You can come round now if you want?_

_Now?_

_Yeah, we’ve got a fire going, that tree we chopped down last year when we built the extension is finally dry enough to burn, so the house is super cosy. Wanna come chill with us?_

Josh paused, a quick glance to the 7 grapes and 6 pretzels still to go, another quick glance to the 38 minutes left of his program, then looked back down to his phone with slightly shaky breath. He bit his lips to keep his concentration on the matter at hand.

_I’m about half way through my night snack. Another time though?_

_Course, no problem buddy, I understand. How does tomorrow evening sound instead? You can eat dinner at home like normal then come to our place afterwards?_

_I’m closing up the café tomorrow but I’ll do my best to get to yours asap. It might be kinda late._

_No rush, no curfew, get here when you can Josh_

_Thanks_

He hoped that would be the end of the conversation and he could go back to his documentary on curries, but Tyler had other ideas and his phone buzzed again.

_How come you’re working on a Saturday? I thought you only did Monday-Thursday?_

_Covering for the usual girl who does it. She’s got exams to study for or something. It’s just for this week, don’t worry_

_Not working too hard are you? You need to rest_

_No no, I’m feeling good this week, it’s a little extra cash and gets me in my boss’s good books. I need Tuesday off for an appointment so I figured he’d be more willing to let me go if I did him this favour._

_What appointment?_

_Psychiatrist for my meds review_

_Have you got someone to go with? I have to drop Emma off at nursery at 9 but afterwards I can give you a ride and provide support?_

_Jordan already offered, thanks anyway though, appreciate it_

Josh genuinely did appreciate it, Tyler was a good friend and an excellent advocate, and in the past he had accompanied him to all breeds of appointments. But now Josh was doing his best to be more independent, with occasional supplementation from his younger brother, in an effort to rely less on his best friend from middle school and act more like the 30 year old he was.

_You doing okay Josh?_

The message Josh had been waiting for finally arrived, and his thumbs hovered over the keyboard for a few seconds before he began a reply. No matter what he would say, Tyler wouldn’t believe him. He was always suspicious, always suspecting Josh was hiding something, and there seemed to be nothing he could say to soothe his friend’s concerns. Nonetheless he would try.

_I think so, yeah. I had a very small panic attack on Tuesday but other than that my eating has been really good and I slept for almost 10 hours last night so today has been nice and easy. Also my mom ordered me a new bullet journal and got it delivered to my apartment which was a sweet surprise to come home to after work this afternoon._

That structure usually worked. Don’t sound overconfident, admit to something not being perfect so he trusts you’re being honest, mention specific examples so it doesn’t sound too vague, have at least one example be of something that he has to agree is a good thing, remember to include how eating has been going since he always asks if you don’t.

After a quick proof read, he pressed send and sighed.

_Why did you panic on Tues?_

_I had planned to have overnight oats for breakfast but forgot to prepare them on Monday night and then couldn’t find any breakfast foods that worked with my meal plan and macro allowances, but like I said, it was only small and I was fine_

_Did you eat?_

_I eventually had some yogurt and fruit. It wasn’t enough, I know, but it was the best I could do at the time._

_That’s a success then, well done, but you know you can always call me when things like that happen, right?_

_I know Ty_

_I worry about you brother_

_You worry far too much, I’m okay, genuinely, I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been weight wise, I haven’t had a proper full blown hyperventilating panic attack in months, I’m doing good. And if I wasn’t? I’d tell you. You’re my best friend. Please trust me?_

Tyler didn’t reply for a few seconds, which either meant Josh was going to receive a mammoth paragraph, most likely a lecture, or it meant that Tyler had been struck with the same uncertainty as to what to respond with as he had been a moment ago.

_I trust you. I’ll see you tomorrow, yeah? Go finish your night snack, I know you can’t text and eat, so go eat and then we’ll talk tomorrow. Sleep well Josh._

  
Josh had met Tyler in the sixth grade.

Before middle school, Tyler had been homeschooled and so didn’t really know any of the local kids and didn’t have a clue what school was like - Josh was nervous about his first day of sixth grade, but Tyler had been absolutely petrified.

They had been paired up by the teacher in homeroom for a get to know each other task, and after realising they had a few things in common, the boys latched onto each other and basically never let go. They quickly learnt that they only lived a 5 minutes walk away from each other, which made hanging out convenient, and when their moms met for the first time they too became best friends, and so it was sealed. They were destined to be best friends for life.

Sixth grade quickly became easy, enabling them to enjoy the social sides of school more. They weren’t the ‘popular’ kids, neither of them were particular sporty or good looking, but they were popular in the sense that it didn’t take long to find a good group of friends to surround themselves with. To label the group was hard, they weren’t the jocks or the cheerleaders or the nerds or the marching band kids or the theatre kids or the emos or the losers or the god squad or the lads or the cringey kids or the flirts or the do-gooders or any of the other cliche tables from the High School Musical canteen. They were just a bunch of friends who liked hanging out with each other.

Things only started to go wrong in eighth grade, when some of the other boys, Tyler included, started to go through puberty and get taller and stronger and look physically more mature. Yes, their voices sounded ridiculous for a while, but Josh didn’t care about that. He just cared about how they looked in comparison to how he looked. And once he became aware of how he looked, he couldn’t stop thinking about how he looked.

Ninth grade was when he got good at it, really good at it. It being not eating. He could skip meal after meal, and that progressed to day after day without consuming more than a few drops of coffee. Of course that lead to the strange sensations of not being able to feel his feet on the ground and the world spinning at funny angles and purple fingertips and loud heartbeats and cold blood, but Josh brushed all of that under the rug that he then continued to obsessively exercise on.

He didn’t get to finish ninth grade with all his friends. His mom pulled him out of school in April over concerns for his health, and she left her job so she could sit with him as he cried over every single meal, and hold him down as he tried to go running in the middle of the night, and pleaded with him at 3am to please have a mouthful of juice or else he’d pass out again. Even with her best efforts, he continued to lose weight at a scary rate, and so he was admitted to an inpatient eating disorder unit the day after his 15th birthday.

The EDU was for children aged 18 and under, and all genders, but all the other patients during his admission were 17/18 year old girls. The boys corridor was just him, alone, barely 15 and terrified. After a week trying to persuade him to eat, his team decided he was too sick to go on without nutrition and so he was given his first NG tube, a horrible piece of plastic stuck down his left nostril and taped to his cheek through which he was force fed a cream coloured liquid with 1.5 calories per millilitre.

Josh hated hospital. He had something like 10 attempts to abscond in the first week, and he sobbed all day everyday, screaming at staff, begging his mom to take him home whenever she came to visit, but eventually he came to the realisation that they weren’t going to let him leave unless he complied.

That didn’t mean it was easy to comply, because what they were asking was for him to make himself fat, and that was Josh’s worst fear. He pretended to comply for a while, chewing food then spitting it out when the nurses weren’t looking, hiding parts of his meals in his socks so it looked like he’d eaten more than he had, water loading before weigh ins. But inevitably he was caught out on every technique, and the rules were changed, and before he knew it he was on 1:1 constant supervision including in the bathroom and showers, no home-clothes allowance, no exercise allowance, daily weigh ins, daily bloods, hourly obs and repeated threats that his tube feed would be turned up even more if he kept refusing to eat orally.

Since it was the summer break, Tyler could visit a lot. He would cycle to the bus, pay $2.10 to ride the 5 stops over to the other side of Columbus, then get off at the closest stop and cycle the last mile to the hospital. That normally meant he would arrive at about 10am and Josh would meet him in one of the allotted visitation rooms, and they would sit together with Josh’s assigned nurse and play cards. More often than not they played in complete silence, neither knowing what to say, both terrified of the situation, but that didn’t stop Tyler coming, and something about his best friend’s refusal to walk away was motivating to Josh.

Lunch after a visit from Tyler was always the meal he managed to eat the most at.

Once September came around and Tyler, along with all his other friends, went back to school, Josh had cried in his mom’s arms for the entire 3 hour visit. He wanted to be going to school. He wanted to be stressed about his back to school outfit, not how many calories were burnt bouncing his feet under the table where the nurse couldn’t see. He wanted to be filling in Spanish worksheets, not DBT worksheets. He wanted numbers to just mean math class, not a way by which he experienced self worth.

For a week or so he allowed the isolation and depression to drown him, but then, after a weekend visit from Tyler where they had spoken about his new classes whilst playing cards rather than the usual silence, Josh decided to give recovery a proper go.

He still cried a lot, probably even more than before, but he managed to eat enough to have his NG tube removed within 4 weeks, and he was discharged to outpatients by the end of November, 5 months after he’d been admitted. That didn’t mean he was okay with the weight gain, it didn’t mean he was no longer afraid of food, it just meant that he had realised that he was going to be miserable whether he ate or not, and he’d rather be miserable at home than in hospital.

His family were immensely supportive and did everything they could to facilitate his recovery in the confines of their home. Because it didn’t feel like his home anymore. He’d been gone for months, and he’d changed, and it was a museum of the lost memories of who he was before anorexia - who he could have been if it wasn’t for anorexia.

So his eating slipped for a while, and he cried at all his meals for a while, and he refused to get weighed for a while, and he wanted to die for a while. But Dad mentioned maybe getting readmitted would be a good idea, so Josh bucked up again and forced his hand to pick up his fork again, and gained back the weight again. And the idea of hospital was dropped.

15 was a bad year, probably the worst of Josh’s life. On Christmas Day he had a panic attack in front of his extended family at the idea of even sitting at the table. Nobody was forcing him to eat Christmas dinner, he was going to eat his usual meal plan in the privacy of the back room with his mom afterwards, it was all planned out. It was only a suggestion that it might be nice for him to at least sit with the family, but that was too much, it was too much, and so he fell into hysterics and forgot how to breathe and scratched his arms up with his nails till his shirt was stained with blood, and then everybody left. Christmas Day, cancelled by 2pm. That still caused guilt almost 15 years later.

Josh did start to calm down, and his eating did get better, and he didn’t need monitoring quite so closely as the weeks past. By April, a full year since he left, Josh went back to school part time, arriving in the morning and attending classes till lunch, then going home to eat and rest in preparation for the next day. He obviously had to drop back down and repeat the end of ninth grade whilst all his friends were in tenth grade, but it felt nice to have a slither of normality back in his life, and it was nice to see Tyler more regularly again.

On his 16th birthday, Tyler came round and they played Mario Kart 64 together and ate popcorn from a large lime green bowl. He made sure that for every piece he ate, Tyler ate three, but nonetheless he ate something that was not on his meal plan, and that was a huge triumph.

16 was a better year. He still had to follow a meal plan and he still had lots of panic attacks, and he was still a grade behind all his friends in school, but it was better. He started having a favourite food again, first satsumas, then chicken, then peanut butter. It still wasn’t easy to eat, but he loathed some foods less than others, which was another step in the right direction.

17 was a good year. He started going to Applebee’s with his friends to study, and when they ordered food he would get a soup. French onion soup. Chicken tortilla soup. Tomato basil soup. It was on rotation. And the soups were all low calorie options, but when Tyler’s burger arrived he would always give Josh some of his fries and he would always eat them. He liked fries, they tasted better than the rice cakes that were on his meal plan.

Since Tyler had already completed sophomore year, he had already studied most of what Josh was learning in class, and he had intentionally kept all his notes for him, so Josh always had someone to turn to when academics were getting on top of him. Tyler was like his personal tutor, his therapist, his nutritionist and best friend, all wrapped up into one.

18 was the best year. That was when he started ordering his own burger and fries, and going out with friends, and existing outside of his eating disorder. It was still there, still whispering away in a back corner of his brain, but he was free to dye his hair bright pink and learn how to skateboard and do backflips on the trampoline, be a teenager without being consumed by a horrific obsession over what he consumed. He was just Josh. Josh who played the drums, and was on the school baseball team, and for some reason had been kept down a grade but nobody could remember why, because he was Josh and he was doing great.

The meal plans got tidied away into the miscellaneous drawer of papers, and his therapist concluded that he no longer needed to see her, and his antidepressant dose got taken down and down and down until he wasn’t on them at all. The eating disorder team discharged him as well, and for the first time in years, he was optimistic about his future.

He got to do normal teenager stuff with Tyler properly for the first time. Tyler taught him how to drive in the parking lot of Walmart, they listened to loud music together even when their moms yelled at them to turn it off, and they snuck out to go to house parties. At the parties they would always stay together, looking out for each other, and they’d dance to the music even if nobody else was - after all they had something to celebrate, Josh was better!

And then Tyler graduated.

All his friends graduated, and moved on to bigger and better things, and Josh was left to complete senior year of high school without anyone there to support him. Tyler stayed in Ohio but moved into a college dorm in Cleveland, and understandably didn’t have time to hang out every single evening anymore.

There were no more Applebee’s study nights, no parties to attend to dance off a bad week, nobody to sit with in the canteen and therefore nobody to hold him accountable for eating. And so, slowly but surely, he started slipping again.

Perhaps it was harsh to say that Tyler abandoned him, that definitely wasn’t the case, he was just rightly focussed on his new life at college. He had a roommate to bond with, a finance major to work on, and a whole new chapter of his life to enjoy. But they went from seeing each other 7 days a week to maybe 2 or 3 times a month, something that utterly rocked Josh’s world.

He tried his best to make friends with the kids in his classes at high school, but he felt like he was always just tagging along, constantly knowing he was an outsider who wasn’t wanted. As the weeks went by and the loneliness set in, he started retreating more and more, skipping lunch by sitting in the back of the library. Then once he started missing meals without anyone noticing or calling him out for it, he couldn’t stop.

The depression that had started plaguing him when he was 14 made a comeback, this time with vengeance. About 6 months after Tyler left for college, Josh was feeling so isolated that he fell back onto another bad habit and started self harming again. And it was the cutting that alerted his family that things had regressed.

He could still remember it, his mom catching hold of his wrist when he reached for a cup in the kitchen and pulling up the sleeve to find the red stripes that must have been peaking out. She stared for a few seconds, whispered ‘again?’ under her breath, then pulled him into a tight hug and started crying. And just like that, he was sent back to therapy and the whole shit storm started all over again.

Somehow he just about managed to stay in school and finish senior year, but as his intake dropped and dropped, so did his grades, and when he graduated he knew he wasn’t going to be following in his best friend’s footsteps in going to college. Instead he spent the first summer after finishing school in his bedroom doing jumping jacks and weighing himself.

Tyler came home after his first year in Cleveland but it was too late, Josh had fallen too far, and when Tyler was returning for his sophomore year in September, he was being admitted all over again to yet another eating disorder unit.

The second time around, there was a repeat of the screaming and crying and absconding and eventually NG tube placement just like the admission 4 years prior, but Tyler didn’t visit nearly as often. He came a few times, perhaps once a month, maybe once every 6 weeks, but he didn’t bring playing cards. Instead he expected Josh to talk, and in retaliation Josh closed up.

In Tyler’s defence, he had a lot going on. His degree was very demanding, he began dating a girl called Jenna, and he got a job in retail to support paying the rent on his new apartment in Cleveland, plus he had to juggle seeing his family and all his other healthy friends when he managed the trek to Columbus - really Josh should have been grateful for the couple of hours he got every few weeks. Tyler was a busy man.

It was hard to be grateful whilst locked in a secure psychiatric facility with a tube shoved down his nose and the constant urge to kill himself. He had tried to follow the suicidal urges a few times, but all they did was land him in the ER for a few days and add another few weeks onto the length of his stay in the EDU.

When he was finally discharged from the clinic a few days over 18 months later, it wasn’t because he was cured, it was because his condition was deemed treatment-resistant and his non compliance was an easy excuse to use in order to free up a bed. He was sent home against his family’s will whilst still severely underweight with a box of Fortisips as his only support - liquid supplements at 1.5 calories per millilitre, the exact same as his NG feed.

Each of the little bottles contained 300 calories, and they were all Josh consumed for his first 3 months at home. 4 fortisips a day, 1 for breakfast, 1 for lunch, 1.5 for dinner and 0.5 for an evening snack. The idea of solid food made him hysterical, and the idea of being forced to eat made him suicidal, so Mom had to sit back and watch as he lived off a liquid diet for weeks and weeks, unable to break his routine without risking a complete relapse where he returned to consuming 0 calories. 1200 liquid calories were better than none.

Eventually Mom managed to convince him to nibble on a piece of cucumber, and over the span of the next 6 months he managed to progress to two fortisips and one meal and one snack per day. Meanwhile his little sister Ashley had moved out to live with her boyfriend and then his little brother Jordan had gone off to college.

Over the next 12 months his mom had rehabilitated him to be eating 2200 calories every single day without the assistance of a fortisip. He didn’t want to do it, he didn’t feel like he needed to do it, and whenever she left him unmonitored he wouldn’t do it, but as long as she sat with him, he would eat it. They both counted that as a success. Meanwhile Tyler had graduated, moved back to Columbus with Jenna, they’d bought their first place together, and he started his own financial advice company with his dear friend Kyle from college. The old best friends from sixth grade were the same age but worlds apart.

A small part of Josh had hoped that, after he’d been admitted for a second time, he would have a miraculous recovery like the first time. He’d have a rough patch but it would eventually all come together, but it just didn’t. That magical moment where everything just made sense didn’t arrive, the big click had never happened, the day where everything changed was yet to arrive. At no point did it suddenly feel possible. Even 10 years after his second discharge, things hadn’t got better like they were supposed to get better.

Everything had come together for Tyler. His brother Zack started working for his company too so it had become a family business and they were successful, incredibly successful, so he had money to buy a huge house and several fancy cars and nice clothes and a golf membership. Jenna had proposed to him the day before he was planning to propose to her, and they happily got married a few months later, and then in a year she was pregnant and now they had a daughter, Emma, in the best nursery school in the state.

Because he was self employed he could work whatever hours he felt like, and that usually meant very few hours at all. He spent the days playing with his 3 year old and going to luncheons with his numerous buddies and loving his gorgeous wife. He had a happy life, and Josh was unendingly envious.

Despite being the oldest of the 4 Dun children, he was the last to move out. He was 26 when his mom finally decided to let him get his own place, and all his life consisted of was working in the café, looking after his fish, attending his numerous therapies, and eating. Eating every couple of hours, digging deep every couple of hours, having to force himself to fight himself every couple of hours. It hadn’t got easier, it was supposed to get easier! Things were supposed to get easier and they hadn’t! If anything it was getting harder and Josh was terrified because he was 30 years old and life wasn’t supposed to be like this.

Josh sighed and picked up his plate again, opting for a red grape next. The fruit burst between his teeth and he wanted to gag at the sweet juice that coated his tongue, but instead he chewed the tasteless skin for a few seconds then gulped it down.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys,
> 
> Things are complex down my end, so please accept my apology for the lack of updates recently. 
> 
> I have been readmitted to hospital unfortunately. I'm doing okay, but posts might be a little slow for the foreseeable future.  
> I have quite a few updates ready for other fics, but they are on my laptop and, although I have that with me, I'm not allowed to be left unsupervised with a long charger so I can only charge it for a short time each day when a nurse has time to sit with me, meaning it's usually dead and I can't really access my files.
> 
> However I have a really mini charger cable for my phone which i am allowed, and I've written this 7 parter on my phone and will be aiming to update daily for the next week.
> 
> sorry again if you are fans of my other works, I promise I haven't forgotten them, they will be returned to I swear!
> 
> lots of love,  
> Maisie


	2. Chapter 2

By the time Josh had closed up the café, got the bus home, prepared and cooked his dinner, eaten his dinner, got on another bus, then walked through the huge rich estate up to Tyler’s house, it was gone 8pm and he knew that little Emma would be sleeping.

To avoid waking her up, Josh didn’t ring the doorbell but instead stood outside on their huge porch and reached into his pocket for his phone to text the owners. His screen was cracked and the battery was dying, barely lasting 2 hours anymore, but it worked.

“Josh! Buddy!” Tyler opened the door before he even had time to write the message, much to his confusion.  
“How..?”  
“Oh I saw the motion sensor lights turn on as I was walking downstairs from checking Em, figured it was you,” he gestured to the beautiful lighting of his ridiculously long driveway.

“It’s freezing out there, please, come in, come in,”  
“Thank you,” Josh stepped into their ultra modern white glossy house and immediately felt out of place.  
“How are you? How was work?” The host asked and before Josh could answer, he heard laughter from the front room.

Laughter of a group.

“Who’s here?” He whispered, already beginning to panic.  
“Kyle, Zack, Tatum and little Pepper. We had a quick meeting about some stuff for the company, and Tatum came to see Jenna and brought P for Emma to play with.”  
“I thought, I thought we were gonna hang out, just us.”  
“We are Josh, they just stuck around after the meeting. They’ve been here for hours so I can kick them out if you don’t want them here.”  
“Kick them out?” Josh felt guilty for ruining their evening and could feel himself shutting down, having to fight the urge to run back out of the door behind him.

Tyler didn’t want him there, not really, he wanted to be with his nearest and dearest, not the kid from 6th grade who didn’t eat. He was just there out of pity.

“Kindly suggest they leave at their earliest convenience.” Tyler phrased it differently. “If you’re feeling anxious about seeing them then you can go and sit in my office until they’re gone?”  
“Oh,”  
“Only if that’s what you want Josh, of course you’re more than welcome to come join us in the front room if you’re feeling up to it. I just don’t wanna force you to be around more people than you’re comfortable with.”  
“Um,”

“Are you gonna have a panic attack?”  
“No.” He hoped not.  
“Do you need a minute?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Alright bud,” Tyler stood by his side in the hall and didn’t say anything for a while, giving him a chance to calm down.

Distracting himself was the best technique he had.

Tyler was wearing a crisp white shirt with the top two buttons undone and smart suit pants, and he looked incredibly comfortable in the incredibly formal outfit. One of the only times Josh had ever worn a suit was when he had been a part of Tyler’s team of 8 groomsmen at his wedding, and even then he couldn’t wait to go back home and sink back into his soft cotton clothes.

He felt underdressed in comparison, wearing baggy tracksuit bottoms and an oversized hoodie, but he didn’t own anything else. His wardrobe was only equipped to deal with bad body image and a need to hide scars, there was nothing that looked remotely good.

Josh had given up on looking good about a decade ago.

Still there came laughter from the other side of the house, and again Josh was overcome with the notion of not belonging. They were having a good time and he was getting in the way.

“Maybe I should go home,”  
“But you only just got here,”  
“You’ve got guests, I shouldn’t impose, I’ll, I’ll, maybe another time? Yeah?” He took a step towards the door.

“Josh.”  
“It was good to see you Ty,”  
“Josh, stop it. You’re my best friend, I never get to see you anymore, you made all this effort and came all this way, please, don’t go.” Tyler held him by the wrist, something that instantly made Josh want to pull away.

Nobody was allowed to touch his wrists, Tyler should know that, nobody was allowed to touch his wrists.

“We’ll go sit in my office together, I’ll text Jen, ask her to get the guys to go home, then once the coast is clear we can have a nice night together, hey? How does that sound?”  
“Let go,” he snatched his hand back with a fragile whisper and cradled it close to his chest protectively. Scars were a sensitive subject, and he didn’t appreciate having his attention drawn to their existence.

“I can do it Ty, speak to your brother and friends, I can do it, I just shouldn’t have to. You made it sound like it would only be us, so that’s what I prepared for, that’s what I got ready for. It’s not, it’s not fair to spring surprise guests on me, you, you know I’m bad at this kind of thing.”  
“You’re right, it’s not fair, and I’m sorry. You said that you were gonna be late and I didn’t know what time that meant exactly, so I told the guys they could stay for a little while. I didn’t realise there would be an overlap between you. But nonetheless I should have messaged you to give you a warning, and I’m sorry I didn’t.”

Tyler didn’t believe a word he was saying, Josh could sense it. Tyler thought he was overreacting and being a baby, and Tyler was tired of always having to walk on egg shells, and Tyler wanted Josh to get a fucking grip, he could sense it.

Tyler didn’t understand that Josh was on the brink of losing it all and every time he left his apartment he had to keep the tip of his tongue pinned to the roof of his mouth to stop him vomiting from the anxiety, and even just coming to the rich estate where he so obviously didn’t belong had been a challenge so huge that he felt faint. Tyler didn’t understand.

“What should we do Josh? Go into the office? Or go see everyone?” Tyler asked after another few seconds of silence. What Josh really wanted was to go home.

“I’ll say hi, otherwise they’ll think it’s weird I’m hiding.”  
“It’s my idiot brother, his wife, and Kyle, the guy with a tattoo of a rubber duck on his forearm, who cares what they think??”  
“I do.”

Tyler sighed, then started leading the way.

“We’ll say hi then I’ll send them home, okay?”  
“Yeh.”

Jenna had done the majority of the interior design of the house and it was stunning. The walls were all white or deep rich colours, covered in big canvas prints of their family portraits, expensive oil paintings, and a few framed artworks by their 3 year old. Every time he visited there was a new piece of furniture in one of the numerous rooms, and every coffee table and ledge they passed was home to a vase filled with fresh flowers. It was a world apart from his life.

“Guys, Josh is here,” Tyler introduced him when they finally arrived at the gorgeous living room.

The carpet was cream and thick and expensive, the walls white and high with expensive red modern art filling one feature wall. A fire was crackling away in the huge fireplace, and Jenna, Tatum and Kyle were all sat on the expensive couches whilst Zack was on the floor with his 2 year old daughter between his legs.

Between all of them was coffee table ladened with a huge tray of food.

“Hey dude,” Zack grinned from the floor, “Pepper, say hey to Uncle Joshie, heyy, heyy,” he tried to encourage the child but she was more interested in the toy giraffe she had.  
“Hey,” he waved a little hesitantly.

“It’s been forever, how are you?” Kyle stood up and extended a hand towards him, which he shook whilst realising the other two men were also in suits and the two women were in designer outfits. He was a slob.

“I’m good, yeah, really good thanks, yourself?” Josh lied.  
“Couldn’t be better. Here, why don’t you take my seat, I probably ought to be heading home or else I’ll be in for it with my wife. Ty, do you need me to sign that form for Fred before I go?”  
“Yep, s’in my office,” Tyler gestured to his business partner and together they headed out of the room.

And just like that, Tyler left him.

“Come, sit,” Jenna patted the place on the couch where Kyle had been sitting, and shakily he obeyed, mirroring her smile but not believing it.

“How have you been darling?” Tatum said more sincerely than Kyle had. She held a glass of white wine between her hands, and watched him closely.  
“I’ve been good,”  
“Are you eating?” Zack asked flippantly.  
“Yeh,” his voice was tiny.  
“Here, you should try some of this then, Jenna whipped it up in like 5 minutes and it’s a-maz-ing.” Tatum brought his attention to the spread of food.

“What, wh-what is it?” Josh asked timidly, feeling his skin crawling as Zack looked at him.  
“That one’s guac, this one’s salsa, then this is my version of nacho cheese but it’s just a rough recipe at the moment so it’s set a bit sooner than I was hoping, and I made these little nacho chip things by making some fresh flour tortillas then frying them.” Jenna pointed to the dishes.

“They’re soooo good.” Zack grabbed a handful and started dunking them in the homemade guacamole and shoving them in his mouth.  
“What are they fried in?”  
“Lil bit of peanut oil.”  
“Oh.”

It didn’t really matter what they were fried in, Josh didn’t eat anything fried, period. He ate a full and varied diet, he just didn’t eat fried food or fast food or processed food or any food high in sodium or sugar or trans fats or additives or dyes or refined carbs, but other than that he could eat almost anything.

Only a couple of other minor rules and habits, but it was basically a completely normal diet.

“Josh?” Jenna brought him back to the present, where he quickly came to the realisation that his breathing was getting heavier and faster by the second.  
“Uhhuh?”  
“Why don’t you and I pop into the kitchen and see if we can find some vegetables to chop into batons? Might be a bit healthier for us all, plus we can give Pepper a carrot to gnaw on?”

Before he even had time to respond or react, Jenna stood up and placed her hand on his bicep lovingly and pulled him to stand too, then lead him away from the couple and their baby and instead took him into the kitchen.

She had a huge great big island counter top where she spent all day perfecting recipes for her numerous cookbooks, Jenna’s Family Feasts being her best seller, and she sat Josh down on one of the bar stools. The culinary expert remained on her feet around the corner of the granite with a caring but sad smile on her face.

“You’re hyperventilating.”  
“Am I?”  
“Yeh, try and slow your breathing right down for me Josh. There’s no need to panic, nobody’s gonna make you eat anything, just breathe.”  
“Um,” he gulped, “could, c-could I get a drink? Please?”  
“Sure thing. Water? Or there’s a bottle of 2009 Pape Clement Blanc open next door if you want something stronger? Tatum and Kyle started it but since they’re heading home soon, it’s not gonna get finished unless we send it with one of them, so you’re welcome to have a glass or two.”  
“Are, are, um, I,”  
“Breathe, think about what you wanna say.”  
“Water. Please.” Josh managed to whisper and Jenna smiled proudly, then quickly grabbed him a glass from her cupboard and filled it with water from the fridge.

As a final touch she got out a Giobagnara leather coaster then put the glass in front of him, and immediately he gulped half of it down.

“Wine probably isn’t a good idea with your meds, right? Shouldn’t have offered, sorry,”  
“S’okay.” The real reason Josh didn’t drink was because alcohol was crammed full of so many unnecessary calories, but he supposed the interactions with his strong antidepressants probably wasn’t ideal either.

“You ate dinner already, didn’t you? That’s what Ty said.”  
“Yeh, at, at home.”  
“Good.” Her voice was kind. “So, unless you want to, you don’t need to eat anything else tonight Josh. You don’t need to feel pressured into having anything you’re not comfortable with angel.”  
“Night snack.”  
“Night snack? Is that something you’d like me to provide?” Jenna offered but he only meant to correct her by saying that he did have to have something else. Even though he didn’t need it, he did have to have it.

“I just finished up my final draft of Simple Snacks this week, it got sent to the editor on Thursday. Want to have a flick through my copy? See if there’s anything you’d like me to make for your night snack?”  
“It, it has to be 200 calories.” He didn’t know how to say no.  
“I included all the nutritional information in my book, there’s a whole section for 200 calories and under.”

“It has to be on my meal plan.”  
“What’s on your meal plan?”  
“Red grapes and green grapes and salted pretzels and water.”  
“Would you feel better having that once you’re back home? Like usual?”  
“Y-Yeh.”  
“That’s alright Josh, you’re allowed to say you don’t feel up to eating here.”

“Ty, he, he gets worried when I don’t eat.” He sniffed after a minute, unable to hold eye contact for more than a few brief nanoseconds.  
“We all do, but you are eating, aren’t you?”  
“Yeah, I, I eat my full meal plan every single day, I do, I swear,”  
“I believe you.” Her blue eyes were warm, and Josh’s lips flickered into a small smile. “If Tyler starts trying to make you eat, I’ll step in.”  
“Thank you Jenna.”

She reached across and touched his hand fondly, then went over to the other side of the kitchen and got herself a glass of water too.

He watched with shaky breath as his best friend’s wife came back over towards him and couldn’t help glancing down at the thick knit pullover she was wearing, and the slight curve that poked outwards. She climbed up onto the bar stool next to him a little clumsily, more laboured than how it should be, and then when he remembered what she had said about the wine not being drunk, something clicked for Josh.

“Jenna,”  
“Yes Josh?”  
“Can I ask something?”  
“Anything at all, fire away.”  
“Are, you don’t have to tell me, but are, could, um, could you be pregnant?”  
“Pregnant? Yeh darling, I’m 18 weeks.” She cupped her belly without hesitating.

“Does Tyler know?”  
“Of course he does, yeah, and so do you mister.” Jenna kept a gentle smile and soft tone, but Josh didn’t understand.  
“Wh-what?”  
“We threw a dinner party about a month ago, invited our family and closest friends including you so that we could tell everyone the big news. You didn’t feel up to dinner, which was fine, but Tyler went over to see you the next day and told you in person.”  
“What? No he didn’t?”  
“He did honey.” She was insistent, but Josh couldn’t find the memory. “Is your depression getting stronger again? Making you forget things again?”  
“I, I, I would, I would have remembered that.”

Surely he would have remembered something like that, surely he wouldn’t have let something that big fall through the cracks. Surely...

“Jenna, hold off on P’s carrot stick, we’re gonna take this little lady to bed.” Tatum walked into the kitchen with a very tired 2 year old snuggled against her chest.  
“Aww bless, Pepper wants her bed, hey?” She climbed off the stool and went over to the couple and their child.

“Mommy, tired,” the little girl murmured against her mother.  
“Yeah, you’re tired hey baby, Mommy and Daddy are gonna take you home. Say goodbye to Auntie Jenna,” Tatum soothed the little girl.  
“Bye bye Jenna,”  
“Bye bye angel,” Jenna waved at the young child with a smile, then kissed her soft hair.

“Do you want to take the wine with you?”  
“Got it.” Zack held up the $250 bottle with a cheeky grin. “Thanks for a lovely evening Jenna, you truly are the hostess with the mostess, and congrats again on the new book.”  
“Oh thank you,”  
“It’s gonna do well, I can just feel it, another bestseller here we come.” Tyler’s brother sounded so similar to him that it was borderline creepy.  
“Don’t jinx me!” Jenna laughed. “Thanks for coming guys,”  
“Thanks for having us. I’ll go find that brother of mine and say goodbye - see you on Monday?”  
“See you Monday,” she nodded as they started moving towards the hall again.

“Bye Josh,” Zack remembered he was there and waved a hand.  
“Bye,” he waved after them half heartedly, and for a few seconds he was alone in the kitchen as Jenna escorted them to the office where Tyler and Kyle were still signing some paperwork.

Josh sighed and picked up his cup, holding it loosely and letting it swing between two opposite fingers. He wanted to go home.

“Ahh, there we go, bit of peace and quiet.” Jenna came back into the kitchen and scooped her blonde hair up off the back of her neck and into a quick messy bun that was predictably perfect.

“How are you holding up?”  
“Do you think Ty would be pissed if I went home?”  
“You wanna go already?” She looked upset for him, face softening.  
“I, I had a really long work day, I opened the café and closed up, and I wasn’t prepared for other people to be here tonight, and I’m tired, and yeah, I just, I’m tired.”  
“I don’t think he’d be pissed, I think he’d be a bit disappointed because he was really looking forward to spending some time with you, but I also know that he would completely understand and be very respectful of your needs, so if you feel like going, of course you can head home.”

“You’re heading home already?” Tyler walked in with a frown.  
“Um, uh, uh maybe?”  
“Ty honey, you told Josh about the baby, didn’t you?”  
“Little Joseph Junior? Course I did,” his face filled with the most pure smile as he wrapped his arms around his wife from behind, tucking his head over her shoulder and holding her belly with both hands, then kissing her on the cheek.

They were so utterly and entirely in love that Josh felt uncomfortable in the presence of their intimacy.

“You didn’t.” Josh squeaked, and Tyler broke away from his wife and returned to his frown.  
“I did, a month ago, we were in the café you work at but there were no customers. It was a Wednesday because you had the lentil soup on special offer, and we sat at the circle table near the painting of the elephant.”  
“That didn’t happen.”  
“It did bud, you also told me about your sessions with Dr Lyle and how you were gonna be working on drinking cups of tea in public that month.”  
“How, how do you know about that?” He didn’t understand.  
“You told me.”  
“I didn’t.”  
“Josh, we had a big chat about both, your tea challenge and our baby.”

He felt pathetic in comparison. Tyler and Jenna were taking yet another step forward in their lives, and he had tried and failed to drink tea.

“Here, look what I found darling,” Jenna had briefly left the room without Josh noticing, but she returned holding a card out to him that he had never seen before. He took it from her, quickly glancing at the Congratulations! printed on the front then reading the message inside.

_Dear Jenna and Tyler,_

Congratulations on baby number 2, so happy for you. You are great parents to Emma and she must be so excited for a little baby brother or sister.

_Can’t wait to meet them!_

_Lots of love,_  
_Yours_  
_Uncle Josh xx_

“I have never seen this before in my life, it, it’s not even my handwriting!” Josh gave it back to her, exasperated, exhausted, and on the brink of tears.

“Josh, are you okay?” Tyler came over and sat next to him.  
“No,” the weakest of the three sighed, covering his face with his hands.  
“You having concentration issues again?”  
“No.”  
“Zoning out and losing time again?”  
“No!”  
“Alright bud, thought it might explain the memory loss, just take some breaths, drink your water, you’ll be alright. The important thing is that you know about the baby now, yeah?”

The room fell silent as he tried to cope with all the contradictory information streaming his way. As he thought about it, he could vaguely picture sitting with Tyler in the café on a quiet morning near the elephant picture, but what if that was a false memory? And why had he forgotten his best friends’ pregnancy! And why on Earth was there a card signed with his name that was most definitely not from him?!

“18 weeks. We’re going for the scan to find out the gender on Tuesday, and then we’re going to have a reveal on Saturday. You’re more than welcome to come?” Jenna spoke softly. “There will be a fair few people, and food, but you don’t have to eat anything if you don’t feel up to it, and you can just do a flying visit to see the reveal, you don’t have to stay and socialise.”  
“Could, could you just text me?”  
“Text you the gender of our child?” Tyler seemed unimpressed, and that stung.  
“We’ll text you, I’ll even include a video, don’t worry Josh.” Jenna was warmer. “It’s hard, I get that.”  
“Yeah,” he sniffed.

“I need to go home.”  
“Okay.” Jenna accepted that immediately.  
“You don’t wanna stay and celebrate with us? I mean we’re having a baby Josh!”  
“Ty you know it’s not that he doesn’t want to, it’s that he can’t. We’ll celebrate another day when you’re feeling better Josh. For now, do you want Tyler to give you a ride home?”  
“The next bus is in 7 minutes, I can make it if I rush.” He lied after checking his phone, knowing the next bus wasn’t for 45 minutes, but needing to leave the situation as quick as he could.

“I’ll give you a lift Josh, you don’t need the bus,” Tyler grabbed the keys to his newest model Range Rover from the dish in the middle of the island.  
“I, I, I want some space,”  
“You can sit in the back, I won’t say a word if you don’t want me to, I just don’t want you to have to walk all the way to and from the bus stops in this weather.”  
“Or I can get you an Uber? We’ll pay,” Jenna suggested.  
“I can afford it myself, I just, I, I like the bus, please, ah, I just want to go and get the bus,”  
“Alright darling, breathe, go get the bus if that’s what you want, but if you miss it then I want you to come straight back so you don’t freeze, okay?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the love on this story already, a lot of time and effort goes into creating these lil works and it means a lot when you guys appreciate that  
> see you again this time tomorrow for chapter 3! xx


	3. Chapter 3

There was a second set of knocks on the door, this time even louder and bolder than the ones before. If it was an Amazon delivery guy, at 8pm at night, then he was definitely too confident and needed taking down a peg or too. Naturally Josh wouldn’t be the one to do that, instead he was sat in his apartment, TV muted, breath held, trying to convince whoever it was that nobody was home.

“Josh? Josh it’s me! It’s Tyler! Can I come in please?!”

His gut reaction was to carry on hiding.

“I texted a bunch and called too, I guess you’re not on your phone today for whatever reason, but I know you’re in Josh. Please, can you come open the door? I’ll look like a lunatic talking through the mail flap if anyone comes out into the corridor.” Tyler called. “I need to talk to you, come on bud, I know you’re there.”

Tyler could be determined to a fault, and Josh knew it was entirely possible he would keep banging until the door came crashing in, so begrudgingly he paused the episode of Inside the Factory, cereal edition, and put his plate of red grapes and green grapes and salted pretzels on the coffee table.

“Coming.” He sighed, standing up and moving through his small apartment to open the door to the man in the suit.

“Hi,”  
“Hey, can I come in?”  
“Why are you here?” Josh kept his hand on the door, blocking his entrance.   
“Nice to see you too, I wanna talk about what a mess yesterday was, plus I haven’t been to your place in ages.”  
“We didn’t arrange to see each other,”  
“No. I mean I tried, I’ve been trying for the last two hours, but you haven’t been answering.” Tyler shrugged.   
“And you didn’t get the hint?? I wanna be alone.”  
“Apparently not.” He gestured to where he was. “Have I done something to offend you?”  
“I just want to be left alone.”  
“Lemme say my piece tonight and then I’ll never show up unannounced again, please Josh,”  
“Fine. 10 minutes, that’s all I can take out of my routine.” Josh caved and stepped aside so he could come in.

Josh liked his apartment. He was on the 3rd floor of a 5 storey block in the cheap student district of the city, and the 4 other residents on his floor were all 20 year olds. Because the apartments were so small, there weren’t many parties hosted there, something he was grateful for, and he genuinely loved his little shoebox. A smaller home meant there was less to clean, fewer places to lose things, and less emptiness in his life. He was completely alone, and owning a bigger house would only emphasise that further.

“Did you repaint this?” Tyler pointed to the white wall in the entrance. “I remember it used to have all those scratches from when we tried to get your couch in when you moved in.”  
“Uh, yeh, Jordan did about two months ago. He did up his house and had some paint left over, so offered to freshen here up too.”  
“Only lick of paint this place has seen in years,”  
“Yeh,”

“Not tempted to redecorate the whole flat?”   
“Can’t, I rent.”  
“Dude come on, you’re 30, isn’t it time to start looking for some place permanent?”  
“Why?”  
“Somewhere that’s your own? That doesn’t appeal to you?”  
“No, I, I’m close to the bus stop here, close to the café, pretty close to therapy. It’s perfect for my daily routine, and I can’t afford anywhere else.”   
“If only you knew the CEO of Ohio’s biggest financial advisory service, hey?” Tyler was very proud of his title.

“I’ve offered to look through your portfolio dozens of times, the offer still stands.”  
“I work in a café, I’m not some multimillionaire who needs to be told to stop throwing money away on dumb bets.”  
“I don’t only work with millionaires, and I don’t just stop people throwing money away Josh. I work very hard to help good ordinary people achieve the-“  
“Don’t give me the sales pitch Tyler, I don’t care,”  
“You don’t care? Wow,” for some reason that hurt Tyler, but Josh didn’t feel guilty.

“You know what Josh, I know everything about the café you work in, everything. I know the specials schedule, I know the artwork like the back of my hand, I know all the staff and when they’re on shift, I even know the prices of every item on the menu! I could recite it right now! And yet you don’t give a shit about Joseph Wealth Management, my baby, the business I built on my own from the ground up and have put blood sweat and tears into. Don’t you think that’s pretty crappy?”

“I never asked you to learn the menu.”  
“And it was never my intention, I just spent so much time there supporting you that it happened automatically. How much time have you spent supporting me and my company? When was the last time you came to our head offices??”  
“Tyler you made a career out of something I fundamentally despise, of course I’m not supportive.”

“What is it that you despise? Me wanting to help young families save enough to support their newborn? Or teaching elderly members of the community how to manage their money through their retirement so they’re able to afford heating for the winter?”  
“Your tag line literally states you specialise in high net worth wealth management, maybe you do a few little sympathy cases with babies and old people for the photos, but mostly you go out for elaborate lunches with Cavs players and international musicians and racing drivers and CEOs, and you talk about how great it is to be rich and then come up with grubby little schemes to avoid tax and get even richer,”  
“Grubby little schemes? Grubby little schemes? Josh that is my entire life’s work you’re spitting on.”  
“And do you see me hesitating?”  
“Fuck you.” Tyler scoffed, turning away in anger.

“You know what Josh, you can be a really a bad friend.”  
“Because I don’t wanna deep throat capitalism like you do?”  
“Because you forgot my wife is pregnant! Josh, for fuck’s sake, you forgot I’m having another baby.”  
“You never told me in the first place, that’s on you.”  
“I did! Last night after you left I spent over an hour going through our texts, and I screenshotted every single one where we spoke about the baby, because I wanted to come round tonight and use them to help remind you that we have talked about this! We’ve talked about this over and over and over, and I don’t know what more I can do!”  
“That’s not true.”  
“I will literally send you the receipts, or you can scroll through yourself, because they’re there Josh.”

“I didn’t send that card.” Josh growled.   
“No you didn’t, I did, I faked it on your behalf, okay?!”  
“You GASLIGHTED ME!” He screamed, betrayed.   
“I what??”  
“You, you, you, oh my god I HATE you!”  
“Josh, Josh calm down, you’re gonna give yourself a panic attack,”  
“FUCK YOU!”

“Josh.” Tyler remained calm, and tried again to initiate his pathetic excuses, but Josh’s blood ran hot.

“What do you think I’ve done dude? What’s gaslighting?”  
“You, you made me think I’d gone mad!” He felt himself tearing up. “You knew I didn’t write the card, and, and you left me to point the finger at my own mind! I thought I’d gone mad, you stood back and allowed me to think I was insane! You’re meant to be my best friend!”

“You promised you’d send Jenna a card to congratulate her - well actually you promised to come see her, then bailed and said you’d send flowers, then bailed and said you’d send a card. I have the texts confirming that, and I was okay with it getting less and less and less because I know coming round our neighbourhood makes you anxious, and I know the florist makes you anxious, and I know the card shop makes you anxious. I was trying to be understanding, I even went to the fucking store and bought you a card, all you had to do was write the message. I put it in your mail cubbie downstairs with a note-“  
“No you didn’t you liar!”   
“For fuck’s sake! Yes I did!” Tyler snapped, fuming.   
  
With that, Tyler walked out of the living room and Josh presumed he was going to keep walking out of the front door, but instead he heard the man go into his kitchen, so he raced after him. The kitchen was a vulnerable room.

“What are you doing?”  
“This is your junk paper drawer, right?” He pulled open the second one on the left where Josh kept all his bits and pieces, bank statements and referral letters and electricity bills. Stuff that was put in his mailbox downstairs but he didn’t want to deal with.

“Stop it Tyler,”  
“You dump everything in here, see,” he found a square card with a stork carrying a baby, still in its plastic covering, then a second later a bright yellow post-it note that had presumably been attached, which he decided to read aloud.

“Josh. I’m guessing things are tricky right now so I thought I’d make this a bit easier for you. The message doesn’t have to be long, and there’s loads of inspiration online if you don’t know what to write. If you don’t have a stamp and don’t feel up to posting it through our letterbox directly then text me and I’ll collect it once you’ve written inside. Here if you need me, Ty.”

“It must have been sandwiched between other letters, I, I didn’t see it.”  
“Or you didn’t care. The pregnancy has been tough on Jen so far, she’s been really really emotional at times, crying her eyes out, and one of the reasons has been you not supporting her. She thinks you hate her, she’s been sobbing and sobbing, so yes, I forged a card from you, but I was out of options, okay? There was only so many times I could reassure her that you’re happy for us.”

Josh didn’t say anything.

Tyler didn’t say anything.

“You are happy for us, aren’t you Josh?”

Josh didn’t say anything.

“I’m having a baby Josh, you’re happy about that, aren’t you? My oldest friend, the kid I’ve known since sixth grade, you support me, don’t you?”  
“What do you want me to say Tyler?”  
“I want you to say yes!” He cried out, getting emotional whilst Josh stayed numb.   
“Yes.”  
“Mean it!”  
“I can’t.”  
“Why not?!”  
“Because it’s not fair Tyler! It’s not fucking fair!”

Tyler didn’t say anything.

“I think you should go.” Josh whispered.   
“No, no, you do not get to tell me something like that then expect me to walk away. If you have a problem with me and my wife then you need to explain.” Tyler spoke softly too, but his voice had a fierce protective quiver that scared him.

“You’re not an idiot, you’re the CEO of Ohio’s biggest whatever, I’m sure you can link the dots.”  
“You’re jealous that I’m married and a father.”  
“I’m not jealous of that,”  
“Of my house? My business? My money?”  
“No! God, do you even know me? I don’t want any of that!”  
“What then?”  
“I’m not jealous, I’m mad, okay? I’m fucking pissed.”  
“Why?”  
“Because you left me behind!”  
“When?”  
“Senior year.”  
“Oh my god Josh, seriously? You’re still mad about that? It was over a decade ago!”

“You abandoned me.”  
“What did you expect me to do? Put my whole life on hold because you had to repeat a grade?”  
“I needed you Tyler.”  
“I am sorry I wasn’t there as much as you needed me, but I was there as much as I could be. I did everything I could, I-“  
“You could have taken a gap year.”  
“And done what? Sit on your porch and wait for you to come home? Stand outside the school gates like a perv? Josh you know I love and care about you, but I need to have an existence outside of being your best friend. I need my own goals in order to feel like I have a purpose, and-“  
“And being my best friend isn’t purpose enough?”  
“No.”  
“It is for me.”

“What does that mean Josh?” Tyler frowned.   
“It means that you’re all I have! You have everything, a daughter, a wife, a new baby, a huge house,”  
“So you are jealous.”  
“No, let me finish, I’m saying you have so many things to make you happy, I’m just a tiny fraction of your life, practically insignificant. I could fade away and you’d be fine, better off probably. Whereas you’re the only way I ever feel important. You can make me feel important, and if you take another step back then I’m nothing.”

Tyler didn’t say anything and Josh didn’t know whether he was going to yell at him or pull him close. He prayed for the latter.

“It’s hard to know what to do. I do everything I can to help you out, and I always seem to get it wrong. Last night I thought I was helping by offering to take you to another room, and I thought you’d want me to send everyone home, I thought you’d appreciate a ride. I thought you wanted to hang out with me. I, I know what you’re saying Josh, you want me to do more, but I genuinely don’t know what more I can do.” Tyler told him and Josh gulped.

“I message you as often as I can, I invite you round all the time, I come see you at work, I make sure you’re eating, I try to keep your anxiety in mind and not ask too much,”  
“And there’s nothing more you think you can do?”  
“What do you want me to do Josh? Tell me and I’ll do it.”  
“I don’t know but I need more!” Josh cried out. “This, this can’t be the best it gets, I need more,”  
“From me?”  
“From life!”

“Is the depression getting bad again?” Tyler asked softly.   
“Bad again? It never got better in the first place.”   
“That’s not true, after you came out of hospital the second time you couldn’t even shower or brush your teeth because you were so depressed.”  
“And now I force myself, I function better but that doesn’t me I feel better.”  
“Okay, I’m sorry I misunderstood that.”

“Are you going to therapy still?”  
“Yeah, every week, and two group sessions too, one for depression and one for eating, they don’t help.”  
“Are you taking your meds how you’re prescribed to?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Can you increase them?”  
“I’m on the max dose.”  
“Try a new one?”  
“Started a new one 4 months ago, have to try for 6 until they try finding a better one again because the depression is proving treatment resistant and they don’t want to run out of options too soon.”   
“And it’s not working? Or helping at all?”   
“No, just gives me brain fog and makes me feel crappy.”

“Do you think it’s the meds affecting your memory?” Tyler asked and Josh shrugged. “If it is, I’m sorry I got mad about you forgetting the baby.”  
“S’fine, I shouldn’t have forgotten, I should have written it down or something.”  
“Are you forgetting stuff a lot?”   
“I forgot to feed my fish.”  
“Are they okay?”  
“Dead except one.”  
“Oh Josh, I’m so sorry.” He understood how much the goldfish meant to him. Josh just nodded, scared he’d get upset if he thought about it too much.

“I’ll buy you some more to keep him company, hey?”  
“I’ll just kill them too.”  
“We’ll set alarms on your phone as reminders to give them food, and put post it notes up round the apartment. We can solve this Josh.”  
“We can solve the fish, we can’t solve this.” The exhausted anorexic jabbed his finger into his temple aggressively. “This is never gonna get fixed Tyler. There’s no solution! I’m never gonna be more than the bad friend who never visits and forgets about your baby and doesn’t support your ventures and your successes and kills his own fish!”

“You’re a good friend Josh, I, I lashed out, and I shouldn’t have, and I’m sorry. Like I already said, this pregnancy has been really tough so far and I’m stressed, I didn’t mean what I said. I take it back.”  
“You were right though, I’m an awful friend, I’m selfish and demanding and ungrateful-“  
“You’re sick Josh, it’s not y-“  
“I was sick 15 years ago, now I’m just pathetic.”  
“Don’t say that,”  
“It’s true! I’m an anorexic whose BMI is closer to overweight than underweight!”  
“Anorexia is how you view your body, the thoughts you’re having, it’s got very little to do with your actual size.”  
“Then why do all the clinics and all the specialists specify I need to be the weight of a 12 year old before I can get any help??!”

“Do you feel like you need some more help with the eating?”  
“I eat,” Josh was shaking. “I eat 2200 every day, every single day, I just hate myself Tyler. It makes me feel fucking disgusting, and, and all anyone does is ask if I’m doing it. Yes, I eat, but it makes me want to rip my flesh to pieces.”  
“Are you self harming?”  
“No, but, but sometimes it feels like if I did start up again then maybe people would be more concerned and I’d actually get some help.”

“You don’t need to do that Josh, and if you ever feel like you do then call me straight away, okay? And hey, people are trying to provide you with help, you’ve got therapy and group trying to help,”  
“Help me eat, not help me accept the weight I’ve piled on.”  
“I suppose there’s no cure for poor body image except self love, and that’s got to come from within. Nobody can teach you to love yourself-“  
“Why not?! I can’t do it myself!”

Tyler didn’t say anything, just sighed pitifully.

“What if there is no answer Tyler? What if there is no cure? What if this is as good as I get?”  
“Then I’m still incredibly grateful for the progress you’ve made. I know you’re not as well as I wish you were, but you are so so much better than you have been in the past and I’m proud of you for that.”

“I plateaued a long time ago, and I’m scared this is all my life will amount to.” Josh confessed. “I’m not really living.”  
“What do you mean by that?”  
“I mean I still think about food constantly, I am still repulsed by my body, I still need a meal plan, I still cry over my meal plan, I still count calories, I still weigh myself twice a day. I’m still scared to look strangers in the eye, I still have panic attacks at the idea of deviating from the plan I make myself each week, I still make the same plan each week, and the plan consists of the same damn things every week. I eat the same meals, I go to the same store for the same slot of time, I do the same things every single day and it’s boring! I mean Jesus Christ I am 30 years old and I’ve never drunk, never been on a date, never been anything except a slave to this fucking disorder.”

“We, um, we had a chat about this maybe 3 or 4 months ago, about you being bored and needing something new and interesting in your life but being too anxious for any major changes, and Jenna suggested you write a book. She spoke to her publishers and got you that opportunity to write the first 25 pages for an editor to evaluate, did you ever manage it?”  
“I made Jordan call up the publishing house and cancel.”  
“Ah no, why?”  
“Because I don’t write Tyler! I’ve never written anything in my life! And the publisher wanted an account of recovery from an eating disorder - well guess what? I’m not recovered! And I never will be!”  
“That could be perfect though, spread the word of the difficulty of overcoming an ED beyond gaining the necessary weight.”

“I’m not qualified.”  
“Course you are, this has been your battle for half your life.”  
“And the story is dull. Guess what guys, you stop looking like a skeleton and people stop caring and then suddenly fast forward 10 years and you’re miserable and alone, eating the same thing day in day out, terrified of deviating and completely isolated from all your friends. They move on, they go out and have fun and meet people and settle down and start families, and you’re still that dude who cries in the store when they only have red grapes imported from Chile and not Mexico in case the calories are different. Nobody wants to read a book about a lonely guy whose entire life is dictated by food in the worst possible way.   
“I think people would want to read that.”  
“Most boring book ever written to coincide with the most boring existence ever experienced.”   
“Repetitive isn’t equal to boring.”  
“Trust me. It is.”

Again his friend ran out of supportive suggestions, and an awkward silence fell over the apartment as Josh tried to keep his breathing level and regular.

“Mom wants me to move back in.” Josh admitted quietly, shame dripping from each word.   
“To her house?”  
“Yeh,”  
“Why?”  
“She, uh, she came round the other day, and I was having a really bad brain fog episode and basically couldn’t function, and she got worried.”  
“That’s what the medication is causing?”  
“Yeh, I can’t, I can’t think, my brain just feels like slop,”

“Does it affect anything other than your memory?”  
“Everything, I couldn’t process what she was saying, and I couldn’t string a sentence together, she thought I was having a weird seizure or something. She got me a pen to try and write but I couldn’t, my brain was just not working, so she’s worried I’m gonna do something bad accidentally like burn the place down.”  
“Josh, my god, we have to get you off those pills.”  
“And what? Start me on some new ones with a horrible month of acclimatisation that then turn me into a zombie all over again? Or take me off any medication and leave the depression to consume me so I become a zombie that way instead? There’s no winning outcome here Ty, there’s no solution.”  
“There’s gotta be a solution, a medication that works without the side effects.”  
“There’s not, I’ve tried.”

“What were you on after your first discharge from the hospital? Because you recovered really well, you were genuinely happy for a while.”  
“It wasn’t what I was on, it was who I was with.”  
“I’m still here Josh, I’ve still got your back,”  
“It’s not the same.”  
“Because I’ve got a wife and a kid?”  
“It’s not them, I love them, it’s the fact we have absolutely nothing in common.”  
“That’s not true Josh,”  
“Isn’t it? Go on then, other than school what do we have in common?”  
“We both like music?”  
“So does literally every other hearing person on Earth.”  
“We both like watching movies,”  
“You’re naming the most generic things ever, you could be talking about anyone.”  
“Well it’s difficult to come up with examples truly unique to just us, but I bet that’s the same for loads of best friends,”  
“No, it’s not, it’s difficult because I have 0 hobbies, 0 interests, 0 personality, and you’re the guy who’s good at everything!”

“You have a personality.”  
“I have an eating disorder, don’t get them confused.”  
“I’m not Josh.”  
“Describe it then.”  
“Well you’re determined-“  
“Unable to stray from routine.”  
“And a good listener-“  
“Too anxious to talk.”  
“And knowledgeable-“  
“That’s just a lie.”  
“No, you really helped Jenna out with her last cookbook, what with your obscure snippets of knowledge about food.”  
“That doesn’t scream eating disorder to you?”

“Not everything relating to food has to be disordered.”  
“It is for me Ty, every relationship I have with food is unhealthy. You think I enjoy knowing about the mineral content of every item I consume? You think I want to watch documentaries and read books about manufacturing processes? You think it’s healthy that I literally never stop thinking about food??”  
“Well it doesn’t really matter what I think, does it Josh? Because you know what you think and you keep insisting I must think the same way. Look, I’m sorry you’re having a shit time right now, but you’re not the only one, and you’re insistence that there is no solution and this isn’t going to get better and there’s no hope is real fucking gloomy, okay?”  
“Welcome to the world of depression.” Josh sighed, not understanding why Tyler was getting mad again.

“I’m sorry I can’t fix it all, I’m sorry the therapy isn’t helping and the meds are messing you up, but what am I supposed to do? Am I supposed to feel guilty for going to college? Because I do, alright? Does that make you feel better? I feel incredible amounts of guilt for leaving and I regret it every single time I see how miserable you are, because I blame myself. I shouldn’t have left you, I should have repeated senior year so somebody was taking care of you, and I hold my hands up for being a huge factor in your relapse. It was my fault, and the fact you never really got better from that relapse is a burden I have to carry every day. Does that make you feel better for knowing that Josh?”  
“No,”  
“No, didn’t think so, but can you please stop trying to make me feel worse about it now? You’ve been doing it for 10 years. I feel guilty, I’ve always felt guilty, you got what you wanted, okay?”  
“S’not what I wanted.” He whispered.

“What did you want Josh?!”   
“I want, I want, I, I,”  
“You don’t even know! You’ve been making me feel guilty for a decade and you don’t even know why! I did my best, okay Josh? I introduced you to Harry and India in the year below, had you all round to my house a bunch of times to get to know each other so that you had friends to sit with on the first day, I got Zack to update me every day on how you seemed, and I used to call you every single night. Whenever I had a spare moment I would come back from Cleveland to be with you, I’d blow off my family to see you, what more could I have done? I didn’t abandon you, okay?”

“You got sick, and you left me alone at school for a year, and I know I’m not allowed to bring it up because it was far worse for you than for me, but in return for my half lifetime of guilt for something I had no control over, can you please acknowledge in this moment that this situation has also been difficult for me??”  
“For you?”  
“Yes Josh! Jesus Christ yes! I was 14 years old and my best friend was cutting himself in my bathroom whenever he came for a sleepover, don’t you think that stayed with me? Having to help you find bandaids every weekend? You making me promise not to tell anyone or else you’d kill yourself? Did it never cross your mind that maybe that would fuck me up too? You starving yourself and saying it was because you wanted a body like mine? Of course I felt responsible. And when your mom took you away from school? You know what I first thought when I saw your desk was empty in home room? I thought you’d done it, killed yourself, and I had to go to the school nurse because I couldn’t breathe.”

“Did you know I started cutting myself after you got hospitalised?”  
“Only a little bit though.”  
“Oh fuck you Josh,” Tyler scoffed in disbelief.

“Maybe it wasn’t deep enough to leave scars like yours, but it’s not a fucking competition,”  
“It has to be a competition, that’s the only thing I’m good at, don’t you understand that?”  
“Don’t you understand that I was a wreck Josh! I was a kid and I was a mess! And coming on my bike to see you was the hardest thing in the world, I was 15, I shouldn’t have had to come sit in a room and watch you die.”  
“I wasn’t dying.”  
“They had to feed you through a tube and hold you down to stop you pulling it out. You were dying.”  
“I wasn’t dying.”  
“You were Josh!” Tyler snapped and Josh didn’t bother arguing back.

“I know it’s not about me, I know you struggled more than I did, but I also know how that I’ve been constantly invalidated because you were worse. And maybe I’m a bad person for saying all of this, but you know what? It’s never about me, and sometimes I need it to be.”

Josh didn’t bother saying anything then either.

“After my mom died last year I needed you Josh, I needed my best friend.”  
“You told me you wanted space.”  
“You ignored me for 2 months.”  
“I was giving you space.”  
“You left me alone, the same crime you hold so strongly against my head.”   
“You weren’t alone, you had Jenna and Emma,”  
“And you had Harry and India and Zack and Maddy and Jay and Jordan and Ashley and Abbie and the list goes on. I felt alone, you felt alone, why couldn’t you use your horrible personal experiences to help me Josh? Why didn’t you reach out?”

“I’m, I’m a nobody, I’m, I live in a bubble of macros and calories and weight fluctuations, what do I know about grieving?”  
“The same as I did before it happened, nothing.”  
“So what? So you’re retracting you’re retraction? The initial accusation stands? I am a bad friend?”  
“When I needed you the most, you weren’t there.”  
“I’m sorry your mom died but what was I supposed to do?”  
“What am I supposed to do about the fact you don’t eat Josh?! I have no clue! But I try - you could have tried.”  
“I do eat.”  
“That’s not the part you were meant to focus on Josh! Can you focus on my loss of my mom please?!”

Josh looked at his feet for a moment.

“It made me feel useless, knowing I couldn’t help.”   
“Exactly how I have felt for the last 15 years as I watch you cut and starve and isolate yourself.”  
“Now look who’s not focused on your dead Mom.” Josh pointed out the hypocrisy but Tyler looked horrified.

“You don’t see it, do you Josh? You don’t see how fucking self centred you’re being. A world exists outside of your eating disorder.”  
“A world I have no access to.”  
“The door’s wide open, you’re just too scared to walk through. I have tried and tried and tried to support you through it, but you’re determined to live this pitiful existence because you’re frightened of change.”  
“I have anxiety Tyler, and yes, I am frightened, I’m fucking terrified that if I move too quick then I’m gonna fall all the way back down again, and I know I won’t survive another relapse. Trying to hold my ground is hard enough, I can’t afford to risk pressing forward.”  
“Then stop making me feel guilty for the fact you don’t even want to try and get better.”  
“That’s not what I said, I do want to get better.”  
“But you don’t want anything to change. Of course you’re not going to make any progress.”

“I’m sorry I don’t know how to fix this, but I’m asking for help, not to be ridiculed.”  
“I’m not ridiculing you Josh, I’m expressing frustration at your constant dismissal of every suggestion I come up with.”  
“Your suggestions are bad!”  
“I’m doing my best!” Tyler exclaimed. “I’m not a therapist, I’m not a psychologist, I, I don’t know how any of this works, okay? I’m not an expert or a professional, I can’t help you, all I can do is support you, but you make it difficult when you constantly push me away. If you can come up with, you, not me, if you can come up with practical suggestions like ‘say this when I’m panicking’ or ‘stop doing this whilst I’m upset’ then of course I’ll change Josh, but I can’t figure out all the answers. You’re the only person who knows what helps you.”  
“And if I don’t know? Then what? Then there’s nothing that can help me?”  
“Maybe not,”   
“Great, wonderful, love that, thanks bud.” Josh turned away from him.

“What do you want me to say Josh?”  
“I need reassurance that I’m not always going to feel this way.”  
“Well if you refuse to change then why would anything else change.” Tyler delivered a harsh blow and Josh felt himself tearing up, but blinked it away before his friend could notice.

“I’ll try to help you Josh, but only if it’s help that you want. If it’s pity then I have other people who need me more.”  
“I don’t want pity.”  
“You don’t want pity, you don’t want me to make suggestions, you don’t want me to encourage you to break your routine, you don’t want to try new meds, you don’t want to go off meds, you don’t want to write the book, you don’t want to try anything new - what do you want?”  
“I’ve told you Tyler! I want to be happy!”  
“Then why do you keep doing things that make you miserable?!”  
“Because I’m scared!”

Tyler didn’t say anything so Josh opted to expand.

“I’m scared. I know it’s not rational, I know nothing I do is rational, but I’m depressed and anxious and anorexic, and that screws up every part of my life. I want to do more, I want to go out and meet people, maybe meet a girl, and I want to try new things, and find new hobbies, and become a more interesting person than just the guy with the mental health issues, I want that, I’m just not well enough to go out and do it. I’m hyper aware that if I push myself too hard then I’ll break, and I’m petrified at the idea of undoing all my hard work and being reduced back to crisis point. I can’t go through that again, I can’t put my family through that again, I can’t put you though that again. Please Tyler, I’m sorry, I, I know I’m a mess and I know it’s not your responsibility to fix, but I need you to be patient with me.”

“I think I am patient.”  
“You are.” Josh nodded. “But you’re close to giving up on me.”  
“I think I’m just becoming aware of the unbalance in our friendship. I don’t mind being there for you as long as you’re there for me, and you weren’t when my mom died.”  
“I am sorry about that, genuinely. I should have been there, but the pressure got to me and I buckled. I figured Jenna and your siblings would do a better job than me, but I should’ve tried anyway. Sorry.”   
“Okay.” Tyler thought about it, or maybe he was thinking about his mom, Josh didn’t know.

“I also need some acknowledgement of the fact this situation impacts me as well as you. That is in no way directing you to feel guilty, there’s no guilt, the only blame falls on the circumstances and the disorder, not you. But Josh, dismissing my self harm? That’s not okay dude, that’s fucked up.”   
“If, if I acknowledge that, it makes it real. I have to accept that my ED made you cut yourself.”  
“Not your fault.”  
“I mean it is.”  
“No, because it wasn’t your choice.”

He knew what he did to himself had consequences on his loved ones, but he was never usually forced to confront them, more often than not they were denied and hidden from him. And now the curtain was being ripped down.

“I don’t want you to get upset Josh.” Tyler said after a few seconds of silence. “It was 15 years ago, I’m okay, you don’t need to get upset.”  
“It’s not just you though, it’s everyone, my brother and my sisters and my mom and dad, I’ve put everyone through so much shit a-and none of you deserve it and you’re all so nice to me still and it doesn’t make sense.”  
“What are you struggling to understand?”  
“Why don’t you walk away?? I’m awful to you all, why don’t you leave?”  
“Because we love you.”  
“Why??”  
“I don’t know if there is a ‘why’ Josh, I, I don’t think that’s something you can explain, it’s just a feeling.”

“I don’t deserve you. You’re all so forgiving...” he trailed off as Tyler’s phone started ringing.   
“Sorry.” He pulled it out. “Shoot, it’s Jenna, she knows I’m with you so she’d only call if it’s an emergency - do you mind?”  
“Go ahead.” Josh sniffed.   
“Sure?”  
“Yeah,”  
“2 ticks,” Tyler stepped out of the kitchen and left Josh to rub his face with his hands for a few seconds before busying himself with tidying up the drawer of miscellaneous papers that Tyler had rifled through.

He collected up the sheet after sheet of medical bills for his treatment and laid them down smoothly, organised the stack of envelopes so to be a bit neater, then finally picked up the blank congratulations card and the post it note that Tyler had left him.

How on Earth had he overlooked his best friend’s pregnancy?

The message on the curled and slightly crumpled yellow post-it note summed up Tyler perfectly. He was considerate and kind and thoughtful and caring, and Josh didn’t deserve him as a best friend.

He sighed and closed the drawer, then fiddled with the sleeve of his hoodie until he was rejoined.

“I’m really sorry, Emma’s being a bit of a madam and refusing to have her bath, and Jenna’s having a rough day with pregnancy hormones causing havoc with her emotions - basically it’s all boiled over and she’s crying.”  
“Oh,”  
“Do you mind if I go home and quickly bathe and put Emma to bed, settle Jen, then come back?”  
“You don’t have to come back.”  
“I want to finish this conversation Josh, it’s important for both of us.”  
“I agree, but, um, but I’m really off my schedule for night snack, and you need to be with your wife, so maybe another time?”   
“Are you sure? I can try to come back later, I don’t mind, or you can come with me to mine and wait in the front room whilst I sort my girls out, then we can carry on.”   
“I’m tired, I, it’s, it’s a lot to process, can we pick it up another day?”  
“Don’t process it too much, ignore some of the cruel stuff, try to remember that I’m on your side, I just need a lil more back from you in response.”  
“Yeh,”

“Do you need me to write anything down for you before I leave? To help with the brain fog?”  
“Don’t, don’t think so.”  
“How about a reminder to feed your fish?”  
“It’s okay.”  
“Alright bud, but don’t forget to feed him, and you gotta keep eating too, yeah?”  
“Yeah,” he nodded over enthusiastically.

“I’m sorry things are hard Josh.”  
“Not your fault.”  
“No but it’s not yours either, and it sucks you’ve gotta take all of this.” Tyler seemed sincere. “I know you don’t believe me, but we’re gonna figure it out eventually, okay?”  
“Sure.” He was sure they wouldn’t.

“I love you brother, all the harsh stuff I said, it all comes from a place of concern, a tough love kinda thing.”  
“I know, I love you too.”  
“Come here,” Tyler wrapped him up in a hug before he could protest. “I need you in my life, you hear me? And I want the best version of you to be able to thrive.”  
“I’m, I’m, I’m doing my best.”  
“I hear you.” He patted him fondly then stepped back.

“I’ll call once Jenna’s feeling better and Emma’s asleep.”  
“I’m, I go to bed, uh, I go to bed pretty early these days. I get tired.”  
“Meds?”  
“Probably.” Josh shrugged.   
“Okay, well I’ll text and if you’re sleeping then just answer tomorrow morning, and if you’re upset or distressed or any variation of not okay then you call me, yeah?”  
“Yeah.”

“Do you want me to get in touch with your mom or your brother? Let them know we’ve had a heavy conversation and you might need a bit of support?”  
“Honestly Ty, I’ll be fine, now go, you’re wife and kid, kids, are waiting.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big whopper of a chapter, so no update tomorrow but I’ll be back on Sunday with chapter 4 xx


	4. Chapter 4

“One chicken, mozzarella and pesto panini,” Josh brought the plate over to one of his regulars, Cara, who came to study in the café nearly every single day.   
“Thanks Josh.”  
“You’re welcome, can I get you anything else?”  
“Nope, think I’m good thanks.”  
“Enjoy.” He smiled then trudged back across the café floor to his station behind the counter.

He was up front today. Depending on who else was on shift, he rotated from being the ‘chef’ who put together the paninis and dished up the soups, to being the guy who took orders and served customers.

He far preferred working at the back, whipping up the fairly simple meals and ensuring each meal was crammed full of as many calories as possible so that everyone else gained weight whilst he maintained. It was a sick mindset, he was more than willing to admit that, but it was also a side of him that he was trying to understand more. The obsession with food was dominating his personality, and he didn’t like that.

“You good if I take my break now? It’s kinda quiet.” Today’s chef, Daniel, asked.

Because he’d worked there for 4 years and most of the other staff were students looking for a lil money to plug the holes for a few months, he had somehow become the boss by proxy.

“Yeh okay, oh if you’re gonna smoke can you go out back? Looks bad to customers.”  
“Fine.” He sighed and changed directions with his pack of cigarettes and lighter so that he was hidden in the little outdoor area they had fenced off for staff only.

The café wasn’t huge, but even on the weekend it wasn’t crowded. He didn’t really understand how they turned a profit, but that wasn’t his problem. The people who owned the establishment, they were kind to him and generous, and how they survived in a market flooded with coffee shops and smoothie bowls was none of his business. He just turned up for his shifts, and apparently a few extra shifts on top recently, since he’d become the go-to fill in guy.

Technically he did work part time, a suggestion by his mom to prevent him getting overwhelmed, but covering at the weekends was providing a welcome distraction.

In spite of what Tyler had suggested, predictably nothing had changed in the week since he forced his way into Josh’s apartment. He had texted a few times, but only briefly, and there had been no sign of the promised resolution to their big conversation.

His appointment with the psychiatrist had been underwhelming. Jordan had helped him explain how debilitating the brain fog could be, but she just told him what he already knew - if they gave up on this new drug and tried another then the list of what was left was going to run out sooner. She seemed hopeless that any of them would work, and he felt much the same. Instead he took her advice of drinking more cold water and starting a gummy multivitamin, and left.

The spells were still happening, and the time between wasn’t getting any clearer. Everything was just murky and confusing, and he couldn’t snap out of it.

“Ungle Yoshie!” A small voice cried out gleefully and he looked from the space he was staring at to see his goddaughter enter the café, accompanied by Tyler and Jenna with her small bump each holding one of her hands.

“Hey Princess Emma,” he faked a smile when her parents let her run up to the counter. She couldn’t see over it, but when she stood on the tips of her toes she could just about cling onto the top with her fingernails.

“Come here monkey,” Tyler scooped his daughter up and balanced her on his hip, then smiled warmly at Josh. “We’ve just come from speech therapy and Emma did sooo good that Mommy said she could get a donut from Uncle Josh’s shop.”  
“You been working hard hey?” Josh asked the little girl who giggled and buried her face in Tyler’s chest.   
“Very hard. Mommy and Daddy are very happy and proud.” The father nestled in close to his daughter.

She had been slow to start talking, and at two was still unable to make a meaningful sound, meaning Tyler’s Mom had died from a huge and unexpected stroke without hearing her voice. After his initial mourning period, Jenna agreed with Tyler that they needed to change something, and so she was taken to a speech and language therapist who diagnosed Emma with CAS, childhood apraxia of speech.

She was coming along well, but definitely still had lots of issues with organising and pronouncing what she wanted to say.

“Well which donut looks good to you Emma? You like the ringed ones, don’t you?” Josh drew their attention to the glass display case with a shelf stacked with rows of donuts. There was a classic strawberry jelly filled one, a custard one, then a chocolate orange ring, a raspberry iced ring and a white glazed ring with chocolate sprinkles.

“1, 2, 3, 4, 5,” Tyler assigned them each a label, pointing slowly for Emma to keep up. She lunged towards the glass with an outstretched hand and started making protesting begging sounds, “No Emma, use your big girl words,”  
“Ai, ai, ai, aive.”  
“Five?”  
“Ive.”  
“Good girl,” he pressed his lips into her temple in reward. “A chocolate sprinkle one please,”  
“Coming up.” Josh retrieved a plate and started to serve it for her, picking the biggest of the batch.

“Jen, angel? You want anything?” Tyler twisted to ask his wife, who’d sat down at the nearest table to rest.   
“Green tea?”  
“You want a donut too? Keep your sugars up for this afternoon?”  
“Go on then.” She nodded, “A jelly one please.”  
“Ya got that Josh?”  
“Yep,” He was already digging into the glass display case with his silver tongs for hers. “Do you want one as well?”  
“Not for me, no thanks,”  
“Or something else? Cookie? Muffin?”  
“I’m good.”  
“Hot chocolate?”  
“I’m okay, I had a coffee at Em’s appointment.”  
“Soup?”  
“Josh I’m good, you’re, you’re doing that thing again where you make other people eat more than you to feel better, but you don’t need to, okay? I’ve already eaten, I’m okay, I’m just here to treat my girls and see you.”   
“Sorry,” he whispered, knowing he’d been rumbled.

“How much for the donuts and tea?”  
“On the house,”  
“Don’t be silly, how much?”  
“S’fine Ty,”  
“Sure?”  
“Sure.” Josh nodded.   
“Thanks buddy,”

He didn’t have the authority to give away free food or drinks so he’d have to pay the difference from his own pocket once his friends left, but it was his way of beginning to apologise for what an awful friend he was. It might only be a few dollars that didn’t matter to his millionaire best friend, but Josh was trying.

“Fshhhh,”  
“What’s that Emma?” Josh smiled at the 3 year old whilst heating the water for her mom’s drink.   
“Afssshhh.”  
“Oi Missy, that’s supposed to be a surprise.” Tyler jokingly warned her and she giggled and hid her face in his chest again. “Fish.”  
“Fish?”  
“We got you two goldfish, they’re in the car.”  
“Tyler, you, you didn’t have to do that.”  
“No, but I wanted to. I feel guilty for not coming to see you this week, it’s just been mayhem at home and at work and I’ve had so much to do that it’s actually ridiculous, but there’s two lil orange fellas in a bag in my car for you as the start of a sincere apology. And I mean it when I say that’s just a start, because I do wanna finish what we got talking about last week.”  
“O-okay.”

“Are you free anytime soon? When’s the end of your shift?”  
“Um, I, I close, so 6.”   
“Why are you closing on a Saturday? You shouldn’t even be working, you’re meant to do Monday to Thursday.”  
“Covering for someone.”  
“Again?”  
“Yeah,”  
“You’re too nice for your own good.”  
“We both know that’s not true.” Josh wasn’t joking as he poured the boiling water into Jenna’s green tea.

“I can’t do 6, we’re having our gender reveal party tonight, people are coming round at 4.”  
“Oh,”  
“You’re invited, you can come join us for the end half once you get off?”  
“The meal? No thanks,” Josh put the two plates and the cup and saucer on a tray, then walked round the counter and over to the table where Jenna was sat.

“We’ve saved you a seat on the table plan if you wanna come and sit but not eat?” Jenna had been listening, and all of a sudden Josh became hyper aware that everyone in the café was probably listening in, so he kept his voice low.

“And have everyone looking at me and asking why I’m not eating? Be the centre of attention? No, I can’t.”  
“Josh you won’t be the centre of attention, our baby will.” Tyler sat down and pulled Emma onto his lap.   
“Buba ma Momma,”  
“Yeah that’s right darling, baby in Mommy’s tummy,” he appeased his daughter.

“Thanks but no thanks, enjoy your donuts.” Josh bowed out and went back to his station with his tray.

“You not gonna sit with us?” Tyler called over to him.   
“Can’t, I’m working,”  
“There’s nobody to serve,” he gestured to the lack of queue.   
“I’m still on shift,”  
“Come on, join us,”  
“I can’t Tyler!” Josh snapped a little too loudly, and a few customers turned to look at him. “Drop it, okay? I’m working.”  
“Sorry,” Tyler sighed and turned back to his family.

 

 

 

 

“No no darling, I’ll do the washing up,”  
“Don’t be silly, you’re my guest.” Josh insisted, reaching out for his mother’s plate.   
“I’m your mom, lemme do what moms do best and take care of you.” She also insisted, and so he caved and allowed her to take the plates and cutlery over to the sink whilst he followed behind with their cups.

She’d given him plenty of warning about her intentions to share a meal with him, and after much deliberation he had agreed to it. He could just about eat in front of her, but trying to hold a conversation at the same time was far too much and so they had eaten in silence. It wasn’t awkward, they’d been doing it for years.

“How was that for you?” Mom asked, turning the tap on and grabbing the brush from under the sink.   
“I don’t, I don’t usually arrange my veg like that, I, I have it around the salmon, not in a pile next to it,”   
“Yeah, you said a few times already poppet, but you watched me cook, you saw that I used your usual recipe with your usual measurements - it was the same food, just displayed differently.”  
“It looked like more.”  
“I know, but Momma was too lazy to steam them one by one or separate out the different kinds after I did it all together. I know you like them organised in a pretty pattern, but it doesn’t matter really because it all gets mushed up inside y-“  
“Don’t, please don’t remind me. I don’t wanna think about it,” he flinched at the thought of all his food turning to sludge within his skeleton.

“Sorry darling,” she seemed genuinely sympathetic as she started washing the second plate. “But you feel okay? Not too guilty for eating?”  
“I feel, um, I’m not sure, I, yeah, not great, but I can cope.” Josh didn’t want to say that he felt disgusting and wanted to burst into sobs and puke his guts up to restore the hollow feeling he craved - the feeling of emptiness. Now he was constantly full, and he hated it.

“I’m very proud of you Josh, I know you don’t like eating with me.”  
“It’s not just you Mom, it’s anyone, everyone.”  
“Because you think what? That I’m judging you?”   
“Yeh, and thinking I’m greedy.”   
“It’s never greedy for you to nourish yourself young man.”  
“I know,”  
“Do you?”  
“I guess.” He shrugged.

“It’s not greedy to eat salmon, new potatoes and vegetables. That’s a meal, that’s dinner, everyone needs dinner, and-“  
“Mom, I don’t need this talk, I eat, I’ve been eating everything I’m meant to and I’ve been doing that every day. I’m okay.”  
“Eating and being okay are not the same thing.”

His instinct was to come straight back with a sharp remark, that was always his gut reaction recently, to go out with all guns blazing and fuck whatever other people have to say because he knew he was doing what he was supposed to be doing by eating, but his mom had poked straight through the facade and seen the sobbing soul within.

“Oh baby, I didn’t mean to upset you, Momma’s sorry,”

She abandoned her washing up and grabbed the dish cloth to quickly dry her hands, then came straight over to him with her arms outstretched.

“Alright, alright love, I’m here,” she whispered soothingly as she wrapped him up and he melted into her shoulder, already beginning to cry. “You’re not okay, Mom sees that,”  
“I d-do-don’t kn-know what to d-do,”  
“Can you put your finger on what it is that’s making you feel like this? Is it body image? Depression? An ugly combo? Or something different?”   
“I’m so l-l-lonely M-Mom,” He sniffled into her shirt as she stroked his back lovingly.   
“Oh honey,”

“I h-h-had a f-fight with T-T-Ty,”  
“With Tyler? When?”  
“Last w-week.”  
“Oh darling, you should have told me. What happened?”  
“He, he, he, he,”  
“Breathe,” she interrupted his tearfully stammering.   
“He had me o-o-over, and d-didn’t tell me Z-Zack and Tatum and K-Kyle were th-there, so I l-left,”  
“Because you were uncomfortable? And scared?”  
“Y-Yeh,”  
“Right.”

“A-and he got m-mad Mom! He, he c-came here, and he y-yelled a-at me,”  
“Tyler yelled at you for getting anxious? Right, I’ll have a word with him because that’s not okay.”  
“He, ugh, I, I, I,”  
“Breathe angel,” again he heaved a laboured gulp of air.   
“I f-forgot J-Jenna’s preg-n-nant.”  
“Because of your meds?”  
“Yeh, a-and he, he called me a b-bad f-fr-friend M-Mom-m.”  
“Oh Josh baby,” she squeezed him close and rubbed his back.

“You’re a good friend, you hear me? You’re a good friend, you’re just on some really powerful medications and that’s not your fault. I’m sorry Tyler held that against you, but it’s not your fault.”  
“He’s r-ri-right!”  
“No, ignore him, he’s not right.”  
“He, he, some, he s-said s-some tr-true s-stuff.”  
“Like what?”   
“Like h-h-how I e-exp-pect s-so m-much from h-him and do n-nothing for h-him.”  
“That’s because you’re mentally ill and he’s incredibly resilient and healthy. He has the ability to help you, you don’t for him. That’s just the way it is. And it’s not nothing, you’re very supportive, like with little Emma’s speech problems, you’re so reassuring to them and patient with her. It’s not nothing.”

“His M-Mom died and I blocked his n-number.”  
“It was a high stress situation and you did the correct thing by protecting your own wellbeing, rather than throwing yourself down into the hole with him.”   
“His mom died!”  
“I know Josh, and I miss her everyday. Kelly was my best friend. But the last thing she would have wanted is for you to have a relapse because you overstretched yourself by trying to comfort her son when he couldn’t be comforted. Nothing you could have said would have changed the fact she passed. I know it’s harsh but self preservation is so important, and Tyler needed to grieve. You gave him the chance to do that whilst also looking after yourself. Kelly would have wanted that.”  
“She w-wouldn’t have want-ed Tyler alone!”   
“He wasn’t alone poppet, he wasn’t alone, just breathe.”

“He, he, he, he, he c-c-can’t change my ED but he tr-tries. I sh-should have t-tr-tried to h-help him.”   
“I think he can change your eating disorder Josh, I think support makes a huge difference to you.”  
“Th-then why d-d-do I s-still h-h-hav-have o-one??” He wept. “You a-a-all-alll s-support me b-but I’m n-n-not g-getting a-any b-bett-tter.”  
“You’ve come so far, don’t you see that? Josh you didn’t eat solid foods for months, had panic attacks hourly, addicted to cutting and slamming your head into the wall and trying to kill yourself. Now you’re well enough to live here, have a stable job, be in charge of your own meals and still eat. That’s phenomenal progress, honestly it’s progress that I wasn’t expecting. I figured, after your horrible second admission and horrible year following your premature discharge, I figured that you’d probably be a homebod, live with Momma forever, which is absolutely fine. But no, you excelled, you did amazingly, and now look at you hey? So independent.”

“I’m m-m-mis-se-serab-ble M-Mom,”  
“You’re miserable?”  
“I, I, I haven’t b-been h-h-ha-p-py in y-years,”  
“I think you have been happy, for brief periods of time admittedly, but it’s not right to throw a blanket statement over the last few years.”  
“N-n-no,”  
“I think you were happy when Emma was born, and when Jenna and Tyler asked you to be her godfather. I think you were happy when Jordan took you to see the changing of the leaves in the Berkshires as a late birthday present, and when you and Ashley did that pottery throwing course. And how about Christmas? You love Christmas.”

“That’s j-just stuf-ff! Stuff m-ma-makes me tem-tempor-rar-rily h-ha-happy occ-occasionally, but me? On my o-o-own? I’m s-sad!”  
“It makes me sad that you’re sad darling,” Mom held him close. “That’s, that’s really not nice to hear.”   
“Tyler s-said n-noth-thing’s g-g-gonna ch-change.”  
“Why did he say that? That’s very cruel and absolutely not true.”  
“B-b-bec-ca-cause I’m n-n-not wi-willing to cha-change.”

“Did you say that to him Josh? That you’re not willing to change?” She asked and he just shrugged in her arms. “Change is scary, and I know how important your routine is to you, so it makes sense to Momma that you’d be reluctant to switch it up.”  
“I d-don’t w-want to lose e-everything a-again.”  
“Why are you assuming that you’d fail?”  
“I a-al-always f-fa-fail!”  
“Hey now, that’s enough of that, you do not always fail. You’re very successful Josh, and you’ve overcome a tremendous amount. I know you’ve struggled, and you’re still struggling, but that’s not indicative of you being a failure, it’s a sign of your determination.”

Josh just sniffed and his mom ran her hand through his hair and rocked him gently.

“I know change is hard, I know you don’t want to risk destabilising the position you’ve worked so hard to hold, but I think if you’re sad and lonely and not feeling fulfilled and secure, then maybe something does need to change?”  
“So T-Ty-Ty’s r-ri-right??”  
“I think the way he went about it is horrific, and I’m disappointed in him for not being more considerate, but maybe he has the right idea?”

Shaking and covered in snotty tears, Josh stepped back from the hug and crossed one arm across his chest protectively, then looked away at the opposite wall and tried to calm down whilst wiping his face with his hand.

“Do you not like me saying that?” Mom whispered after a moment.   
“No,”  
“Why not honey?”  
“I, I, I do wh-what I’m t-t-told, the, the d-d-doc-doctors told me to e-ea-eat this me-meal plan and t-take th-these med-meds and go to th-th-these s-sess-sessions, and I do! A-and now yo-you’re s-saying t-th-that’s wrong a-and I n-need to ch-change a-all over a-again! How, h-how am I s-su-supposed to g-get be-better w-when every-th-thing I do i-is wr-wrong?”  
“I didn’t say your advice from your team was wrong. It was the right program to direct you towards when you were very on-edge with your eating maybe 3 or 4 years ago. But you’re better now Josh, and your strategy needs to grow with you. It needs to adapt and it needs to stretch you, and currently it doesn’t.”  
“I s-still feel s-stretched! I, I, I feel l-like I m-m-might s-snap!”

“You’re tired Josh, Momma knows that.”  
“So t-tired.”  
“It doesn’t seem fair that everything is a battle for you whilst your siblings and your friends seem to be gliding through life, I know baby,” she reached out and stroked his hair off his forehead fondly. “But I promise you, all of this? It’s gonna be worth it some day. You’re gonna reach a point where you don’t care about intake and routine, you’re gonna wanna go dancing and-“  
“I w-won’t.”  
“You will.”  
“Mom I’m th-thirty! I, I, I’ve had a-anor-rexia for h-half my l-life, it’s n-n-not gonna g-go a-away.”

“I know it seems like you’ve given your entire life to this disorder, but you can overcome it Josh.”  
“Be r-realistic M-Mom.”  
“I am.”  
“N-n-no. May-be if I was 17 a-again, and d-d-doing well, yeh, m-maybe I could m-move on, but I d-didn’t. I r-relapsed. And I’m g-g-gonna k-keep re-l-lapsing, one s-step f-for-forward, two s-steps b-back, forever.” Josh cried. “I’m t-tr-trapped M-Mom.”

“I think you should come stay with Dad and me tonight, how does that sound?” Mom didn’t have anything else to say. Nobody did. Not the therapists, not the doctors, not his best friend, not his family. There was nothing left to say, no options still to explore, and yet they refused to see what was so clear to him - the situation was hopeless.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I am currently sectioned in a psych hospital which means I’m not allowed to make my own decisions surrounding my care plan, and tomorrow I have my ward round where I found out whether I’ll be getting any leave for Christmas 😬   
> I’ve not been very well this last week so I’m not overly optimistic, but please wish me luck as I’m very nervous - I just want to spend time with my family this holiday. 
> 
> Hope you’re all well  
> Maisie


	5. Chapter 5 Part 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote the end of this story, it was far FAR too long, so I’ve split it up into 3 parts, rather than doing a huge update. Basically chapter 5, 6 & 7 all take place on the same evening - hope that makes sense :D

“Burb,”  
“You see a bird?” Jenna asked her daughter.  
“Burb! Mommy burb!” She was getting excited, slapping her little hand against the car window. Tyler wanted to turn round and try and see her little grin, but had to focus on the road ahead of him, just smiling in the rear mirror as Jenna peered out with Emma.

They attended church every Sunday as a family, and it was one of the favourite parts of his week. His girls looked gorgeous, Emma wearing a little red dress with matching red hair bow, and Jenna in cream knee length A-line skirt and lilac wrap top, whilst he wore a suit complete with waistcoat and lilac pocket square. He didn’t attend the church he’d grown up in anymore, since they’d moved into the richer neighbourhood it was too far to travel, and initially he’d been taken by surprise at how formal their new church was, but quickly he settled in and now it was standard routine. And getting to see Jenna dressed up was always a joy.

“Emma,” his wife was sat in the back next to her car seat, and Tyler knew she was gaining her eye contact so she could use sign language as she spoke in hopes of the three year old picking it up. She had a few signs, but the progress wasn’t as fast as they were hoping.

“Home. Home. Can you copy Mommy? Home.” She signed as they turned onto their street.  
“Om.”  
“Use your big breath! Home!” Jenna encouraged her.  
“Om!” Emma had another shot.  
“Good trying sweetheart.” Tyler said from the driver’s seat.  
“That was really good, and can you have a go and do the hand too?” She showed Emma how to move her pinched fingers up to her ear from her mouth as the sign for home, but Tyler didn’t see whether she was managing.

“Aren’t you clever hey? And look, there’s home!” Jenna pointed out the window as Tyler turned up their huge drive to the mansion.  
“Ar!”  
“Car?”  
“Ar!” Emma could see what Tyler had spotted.

Laura Dun’s old navy people carrier parked outside his garage.

“It’s Uncle Josh and his mom.” Tyler told the pair in the back.  
“Josh? Did you invite him over?”  
“Nope.” He sighed as they finally arrived near their front door.

He jumped out of the Range Rover and slammed his door shut, then went straight to the back door and started unbuckling Emma’s car seat whilst Jenna picked up their jackets and put a few of Emma’s toys in her purse.

“Yoshie!”  
“Yeh that’s right, Joshie’s here,” Tyler picked his daughter up out of her seat and swung her straight onto his hip, then closed the door whilst Jenna came out the other. Once she joined them, he locked the vehicle and lead the way over to their guests.

“Hello hello, what a pleasant surprise.” He smiled at Laura as she put her window down. Josh was in the passenger seat, legs hugged close to his chest, avoiding eye contact.  
“Hey guys, hello Emma,”  
“Say hello to Laura,”  
“Eyo!”  
“Hi gorgeous.” She chuckled.

“Sorry if you’ve been waiting for us for a long while, we’ve been at church all morning. Is there anything we can do for either of you?” Jenna asked, spare hand rubbing her bump below the waistband of her high waisted skirt.  
“I was just hoping to grab a quick word with Tyler?” Laura asked hopefully.  
“Course, absolutely, please come in. Josh? You joining us?” Tyler asked his friend who was yet to engage with them.  
“Yes he is.” His mom didn’t give him the option to keep cowering in the car.  
“But-“  
“He is.” Laura spoke over the top of him.

“Okay well why don’t you follow us?” Jenna moved on from the slightly awkward silence.

“Ungle Yoshie! Yoooshie!” Emma noticed him for the first time and called out his name with a giggle. “Yoshie!”  
“Hi Emma.” He was clearly just saying it to make her stop as he got out of the car, not making eye contact.  
“Ungle Yoshie arry!”  
“Hmm?”  
“She wants you to carry her,”  
“Oh,”  
“Arry arry!” She was getting excited, jumping around in Tyler’s arms.  
“Alright missy, calm down, Daddy wants to carry you today,” Tyler kissed the top of her head and swiftly started walking towards his front door, knowing full well that Josh was not in the right mindset to be dealing with his little girl.

He didn’t know why the Duns had come round, but since Laura was there, Tyler suspected that he was about to be told off. She was blindly on Josh’s side at all times, just like his own mother had been before she passed.

“Welcome to our home,” he unlocked the door and went into the hall, putting Emma down and encouraging her to sit on the little bench with her name engraved on it.  
“Oo.”  
“Shoes.” Tyler knew what she was trying to say and knelt down to help her take off her little pumps. “Shoes,”  
“Ooes.”  
“That’s it.” He smiled proudly and she giggled then immediately ran off towards her playroom.

“Would you like us to take our shoes off too?” Laura asked.  
“No no, don’t worry. Can I get either of you a drink?” Tyler continued through towards their kitchen at the other end of the floor.  
“A cup of tea would be lovely thank you,”  
“Josh? Water?”  
“No thanks.” He mumbled, looking at his feet.

“Oh wow! A baby boy!” The mother exclaimed happily as she saw all the blue streamers and blue paper pom-poms and blue balloons and blue flowers and blue ribbons and even some blue confetti that had been swept into a pile on the counter. They’d paid a team to decorate their garden for the big announcement, but Tyler had pulled all the bits into the kitchen in the evening to protect the fragile paper from any unexpected weather. It was a mess of blue, but Tyler couldn’t help grinning as he wrapped his arms around his wife.

“Yep, we’ve got a little boy joining our family in early spring,”  
“Congratulations, that’s so wonderful, I’m so happy for you!”  
“Thank you! We always hoped for a boy and a girl and we feel so blessed that it’s worked out how we dreamed.” Jenna was also grinning, whilst Josh just faced away.  
“It’s so nice that way, I remember after Josh was born and then once we had Ashley, it was such a treat to get to buy from the other section of the store,”  
“Yeh I’m so excited to start collecting little outfits for a boy. I have so much fun dressing Emma, but getting tiny suits for him to wear to church, aw, I’m excited already,” Jenna shared Laura’s enthusiasm.

Tyler kissed her on the cheek, then went over to the counter and picked up the kettle, filling it with water and flicking it on.

“Are you having a gender reveal party or something?” She gestured to all the blue.  
“Last night, yeah,”  
“Oh, you didn’t invite Josh?” Laura glanced over at her son, who clearly didn’t want to be there.  
“We did, we did, he just didn’t feel up to it I guess.” Tyler could feel his telling-off beginning already.  
“Meal.” Josh mumbled.  
“Ah.” She understood his issue immediately.

“We hosted everyone in the front room for a while with canapés and drinks, then took them outside and we had a huge curtain up to hide all these decorations in the garden and Ty and I went behind it as well, and everyone counted down and the curtain fell so they could see he’s a boy. After that we spent some time in the garden playing games and with a photo booth and everything, then yeah, came in for a meal.” Jenna explained how the evening had gone. “We found this really helpful party planner who specialises in gender reveals, and she organised everything so that we could relax. It was a really nice night.”

“And we said to Josh that he could just come to the garden section and leave when we had the sit down meal, but he didn’t wanna come.”  
“Didn’t feel he could come, of course he wanted to come,” Jenna corrected him and Tyler held his tongue, remembering Josh wasn’t happy for them and their new child.

“I don’t, I don’t know your friends, I don’t fit in here.” Josh shrugged quietly, tugging on his sleeve for comfort, but the mood was broken as Emma came running in carrying her dolly.

“Buba!” She held up the baby proudly.  
“Oh wow, have you got a baby? Just like your Mommy?” Laura instantly crouched down to the little girl’s height.  
“Buba ma Momma!”  
“You’re gonna have little baby brother! Isn’t that exciting? Hey?”  
“Momma!”  
“Are you going to tell Laura what your baby is called?” Jenna smiled.  
“On!”  
“This is baby Ron.” She translated. “And Ron is named after Emma’s best friend at nursery,”  
“Nurry,” Emma echoed with her name for nursery. “He my friend.”  
“Wow, good clear words baby, that was so good! Awesome job, good girl,” Jenna was just as impressed as Tyler, turning up to look at him and share a proud smile.

“Why don’t you tell Uncle Josh all about Ron and nursery with your mommy whilst I talk to your daddy?” Laura asked sweetly and Tyler resisted a sigh.  
“Daddy,” She span to find him in the room.  
“You go and play with Mommy and Uncle Joshie for 10 minutes, then you can play with Daddy.”  
“Daddy pay!”  
“We can play in 10 minutes, okay?”  
“Come on monkey, let’s go show Josh your toys.” Jenna held her hand and for a moment she protested and kept reaching out for Tyler, but eventually she ran over and grabbed Josh’s hand too, then pulled both the adults out of the room with a happy giggle.

Tyler went back over to the kitchen cabinets and pulled out a mug and dropped a teabag into it, then poured the water that had finished boiling on it.

“How do you take your tea?”  
“Splash of milk.”  
“Tell me when to stop.” He grabbed the bottle from the fridge and slowly poured a few drops in at a time.  
“Stop, perfect,”  
”Okeydokes,” Tyler used a spoon to fish the teabag out and threw it into the green waste hatch, then passed her the mug.  
“Wonderful, thanks Ty.”  
“No worries.”

Laura had climbed up onto one of the barstools and Tyler followed her lead, taking his blazer off and undoing the buttons on his waistcoat to relax. He didn’t feel relaxed with her gaze fixed on him.

“How’s Josh?” He asked the big question.  
“We had dinner together last night.”  
“Oh yeah? Eating in front of someone? Good for him.”  
“Yeah, he, uh, afterwards he had a bit of a tearful breakdown, so I took him home with me and he got hysterical and I ended up having to give him some PRN medication for the first time in over a year. He slept in my bed with me because he was crying all night.”  
“Ah, I’m sorry to hear that.” Tyler genuinely did feel bad that his best friend had such a tough evening.

“He’s just having a bit of a hard time at the moment Ty,”  
“That sucks, but as ever, if there’s anything I can do to help then just let me know.”  
“I mean I suppose telling him he’s never going to get better probably wasn’t the most helpful thing you could have done if I’m honest Tyler. He thinks that often enough by himself, he doesn’t need reinforcement from you.”  
“Me? I never said that.” Tyler frowned.  
“Last week you told him things are never going to change.”  
“I said nothing changes unless he changes, meaning he needs to break the cycle of isolation and obsession with routine in order to be able to take a step forward. I know it’s harsh but I stand by it.”

Laura exhaled through her flared nostrils then took a gulp of her tea.

“You need to remember how sensitive he is, try to be a bit more considerate.”  
“I am considerate, I’m not an angel but I’m incredibly considerate Laura.” Tyler defended himself.  
“Invading his safe space to yell at him for getting anxious at an event that you failed to sufficiently warn him about?”  
“That-that’s absolutely not what happened.” He hated that every little thing was taken completely out of context and turned against him.

“I invited him round because I know he gets lonely, and he didn’t tell me what time he was coming. Unfortunately that meant he overlapped with my brother, his wife and child, and my business partner when he did eventually turn up, but I gave him options like going in another room, and I sent the others home. He still felt crappy and he left too, refusing my offer of a ride or a taxi, so I went over to his the next day to check he was okay. It was him that started pressing my buttons, and yes, I snapped and told him some home truths, but in no way was it my intention going in. I wanted to check he was okay.”

“He’s not okay, he hasn’t been okay for a long time, and he needs his best friend.”  
“I’m here.” He held his hands out in a semi annoyed shrug.  
“You’re not supplying him with the support he needs.”  
“He’s not supplying me with the support I need!”  
“He’s unwell.”  
“He’s diagnosed with something and I’m not - does that mean my struggles aren’t worth anything? Because Josh tried to say the exact same thing. I told him I used to self harm and he dismissed me because, quote, it was only a little bit. I’m sorry I never cut as deep as him, I’m sorry I never went to a psychologist for a label, but I’m having a pretty shit time right now and he doesn’t seem to care, so the suggestion that I need to put in even more effort to looking after him than I already do is actually hurtful Laura. When’s it gonna be his turn to look after me??”

“I don’t think you understand how consuming anorexia can be-“  
“I’ve witnessed as it has completely destroyed my best friend, as it took the kid I loved and ripped him of everything that he was. It holds Josh hostage even today, and he is a hugely important part of my life, therefore anorexia is a part of my life too. Maybe not to the same extent, but it consumes every conversation we have, every moment we share, every thought I have about him. I worry constantly, I wake up in the middle of the night thinking he’s somewhere distressed, the other day I drove past an Applebee’s on the way back from a meeting and I pulled the car over and cried for half an hour because I remembered how well Josh had been in high school when we used to study there together and how much he’s regressed now. I know the impacts, I know it’s ruined his life and yours too, I know. Don’t patronise me.”

“Did you really cry?”  
“Yes!”  
“Why?”  
“Because I’ve lost my best friend.”  
“He’s not lost, just, just trapped. I like how you described it as being held hostage, I think that’s a good way to describe it. He’s still there, underneath all the crap, he just needs releasing.”  
“And I don’t know how to release him. I need him, but he needs me to free him and I don’t know how. I need to talk to him and I can’t.”  
“You have lots of friends you could talk to Tyler,” Laura spoke more gently.  
“And only one best friend,” he sighed rubbing his face with one hand.

“Is there something going on?”  
“There’s a lot going on.” Tyler instinctively looked away, unable to hold eye contact as he admitted it.  
“Do you wanna tell me? I know I’m not Josh, but I’m his momma. That’s pretty much as close as you can get, and I’ll do my best to help?”

Tyler shrugged, unsure as to whether he should open up or not, but her persistent stare made him cave.

“I miss my mom.”  
“Oh honey, I miss her too, all the time.”  
“I just, I wish, I wish she was here.”  
“Tyler, poppet,” she stood up from her barstool and wrapped her arms around him as he started to cry. “You’re too young to be without her, it’s really not fair, and I’d do anything to have her back with us. It’s so not fair.”  
“She, she’ll never meet my son, he’ll never know her.” He sniffed into her shoulder whilst she rubbed his back soothingly.

“They’ll meet one day, get to know each other and spend time together for eternity in the Heaven she calls home. For now she’ll be watching, she was watching the reveal yesterday, and she’ll be watching and protecting him for the entire pregnancy - she’s his guardian angel, yeah? She’s not gone, she’s just elsewhere and we miss her but we need to trust that she’s still watching over us.”

“We had a miscarriage.” Tyler whispered tearfully. “Last December, 13 weeks,”  
“Oh Tyler,” she pulled him closer.  
“We’d bought the, uh, the invites for the pregnancy announcement already, and, and we booked caterers and party decorators, and then Jenna started bleeding, and it didn’t stop for 2 weeks.”  
“I’m so sorry for both of you, that’s unbelievably hard to go through. I had one too, when we were trying for Abigail. 10 weeks, and I got cramps and then bleeding, and I shut myself in my bedroom for weeks and weeks grieving my little baby. But you and Jenna, you’ve done the right thing, okay? You’ve honoured their memory by giving Emma and your lost twinkle a little brother, you’re doing the right thing, you hear me?”

Tyler just let the woman hold him for a quiet minute. She reminded him of his mom. They’d known each other for almost 2 decades and, when she wasn’t fighting Josh’s corner, she could fill a true maternal role for him too. He’d missed that.

“I went to see Josh a few days after it happened, but he had a string of panic attacks about family Christmas dinner and I didn’t wanna burden him with anything more.”  
“Yeh he was struggling in December, but you shouldn’t have kept it a secret.”  
“I had n-nobody.”

“What about your brothers? Or your sister?”  
“They were still reeling from losing Mom. First Christmas without her.”  
“And your dad? I haven’t seen him in a while, how’s he holding up?”  
“He, he, he,”  
“Oh Tyler, take a deep breath sweetheart, it’s okay,” she comforted him as his tears turned to sobs.

“I can’t imagine how difficult it must be for him, being widowed so young and so out of the blue.”  
“He can’t leave his h-house, he doesn’t dress h-himself, he, he just s-sits around c-cry-crying for M-M-Mom.”  
“Oh Chris,”  
“He h-has-sn’t been out in m-months-s. I take him g-groceries every f-few d-days, but he d-doesn’t eat, doesn’t w-wash. Z-Zack and I h-have to m-make him. He j-jus-just w-wa-wallows and I d-don’t know what t-to d-do-oo.”  
“You’re being so brave Tyler, so brave, but it’s not your job to fix him,”  
“It is! It’s a-always m-my j-job! I ha-have to fix my d-dad and f-fix J-Josh, and I’m d-doing my b-best but it’s n-never r-ri-right, it’s n-never g-good en-enough.”

Tyler hadn’t cried in a long time, and his temples were screaming the precursor to a heavy headache, but he couldn’t hold back the flood.

“Deep breaths, yeah? That’s a lot of weight on your shoulders, for now let’s just focus on those deep breaths.”

“My b-baby c-can’t s-spe-eak L-Laura, Emma can’t s-speak,”  
“She’s doing so well though, making so much progress.”  
“Her th-therap-pist said we m-migh-might’ve wa-waited too long b-before g-getting h-help, she, God, she p-probably w-won’t ever g-get c-com-completely b-bett-ter.”  
“That’s just their opinion, you don’t know that for sure. With lots of practicing and praise, she’ll go so far.”  
“She’s g-gonna g-get b-bullied a-at sch-school.”  
“No she won’t, no she won’t, because her Mommy and Daddy are gonna teach her to keep her chin up and be confident, and no bully is gonna have the guts to come for her, you hear me? It’s gonna be okay Tyler.”

“I d-d-don’t kn-kno-know what to d-do.”  
“Alright let’s think about this sweetie, come on, who is in your support network? Who can you count on? Jenna?”  
“Y-Yeh, but, but sh-she’s so s-scared of l-losing a-another baby, and she, she, she cr-cries a-all the t-ti-time, I can’t l-lean on h-her.”  
“Okay, yeah, she needs to be relaxed. What about your siblings?”  
“G-grieving, f-fragile.”  
“Even Zack?”  
“Yeh, p-pl-plus Tatum s-still gets ch-chronic p-pain from falling d-down the s-st-stairs last y-year. It’s h-hard for them b-b-both.”  
“You’re right, that does sound hard.”

“How about that business partner of yours - Kyle?”  
“His w-wife j-just f-f-filed for divorce, th-that’s a secret.”  
“I’m not gonna tell anybody, don’t worry darling,” Laura stroked his back in a circular motion. “Everyone seems to be having a bit of a rough time of things at the moment, hey?”  
“Yeh,” Tyler sniffed, trying to gain control over his hiccups.

“You’ve got lots of friends though, from your company and the golf greens and the country club and what about the parents at Emma’s nursery and that amateur basketball league you started - there’s lots of people you could talk to who I don’t even know about.”  
“Not th-that I’m c-cl-close to.” He tried to explain. “The only p-people I’m cl-close to are who y-you alr-re-ready s-said and Josh.”

“I don’t think Josh would be able to cope with this very well. I appreciate he’s your best friend, but he can’t cope with the simple things in life at the moment. In fact I think I might take him back to the clinic, see if they can offer him any more care. A day patient program maybe? Or I might even do some more research into assisted living, because he’s completely isolated in that apartment, he’s on some really strong medications, and his depression is getting bad again. I worry that, uh, that the suicide attempts might start back up soon. The way he was talking last night? He’s so desperate for something to change, but he can’t force himself to get better, and I’m scared it’s gonna flip the other way and he’ll decide to try changing things through suicide. So yeah, I know you two have been best friends forever, but I don’t know if he can be there for you at his current status, and I can only apologise for that Ty.”

“I’m desperate for things to change too.” Tyler whispered, pulling back from her hug and wiping his face with the handkerchief he had in his blazer pocket, breathing a little calmer but still shaky.

“Do you have suicidal thoughts?”  
“No,” he answered immediately. “No, never, I’ve got Jen, and Emma, and soon our little boy, I, I, no, I wouldn’t. I just,”  
“You can tell me,” she put a reassuring hand on his knee.  
“I can’t bring Mom back, I can’t help Dad, I can’t help Josh, and I can’t understand my own daughter half the time, I, I, everything’s just a mess and it feels utterly hopeless.”

“You’re said that to me before.”  
“I have?” He flicked fresh tears away with his finger.  
“Yeah, after college when Josh was in the hospital again, you were trying to start your business and nobody would give you a chance. None of the banks would give you a loan, nobody would invest, all saying you were too young. We were in my car driving to visit Josh on the ward together one afternoon. I asked how things were going and you said the whole company was a mess and it was utterly hopeless. And do you remember what happened next?”  
“The bank called me to apologise for a misunderstanding and offered me a loan with really low interest.”  
“That’s right, and now look at you hey? Ohio’s biggest and best?”

“I can’t promise you things will be fixed, because we both know that somethings can’t be undone, but I can remind you that hope is still very much alive and beating, okay? Hope’s here to stay, you’ve just gotta nurture it. The horizon isn’t bleak, it’s filled with possibility, it holds your son, it holds improvements for Emma as she gets older and stronger and better able to concentrate, and it holds the possibility of some of the grief finally starting to alleviate for you and your siblings and Dad.”

“It’s easy to get sucked in, to be too absorbed in the pain to be able to step back and appreciate what you have. I know I do the same. Yes, you have a lot of horrible things to juggle right now, but you’re also surrounded by loved ones and success - I mean you’re having a baby Tyler! And it’s okay to be scared after the loss, I understand entirely, but don’t let that cloud the miracle that is bringing a child into this world. In this horrendously difficult time, when everything is getting on top of you, you’ve been gifted with that little ball of hope inside your wife as a reminder that things can get better, yeah? They can and they will.”

“Thank you Laura.” Tyler wanted to say more but feared he’d started sobbing again, so just nodded appreciatively and pursed his lips together, sucking in air through his nostrils.

“Josh is gonna get better too, I’ll make sure of it.” He wasn’t sure whether she was saying it for his benefit or her own, but he listened nonetheless. “I’m gonna get him more professional help, better help, and look into other alternative medicines we haven’t tried yet. Maybe, maybe him and I need to go on a little trip together to break him out of his routine, we might go travelling some place, become Tibetan monks, I don’t know. Whatever it takes to release him from this hostage situation, I’m gonna do, okay? I’m not giving up, I’m not throwing the towel in and saying he’s good enough how he is, I’m gonna keep working with him till he’s happy, I promise. It’s not your job to fix him, it’s not your responsibility, it’s mine as his mother.”

“Did, did he ask you to come here? To tell me off for our argument last week?”  
“No, quite the opposite really, he didn’t want to come at all. I made the decision because I was under the false impression that you were perhaps not doing all you could for him. I now see that you’re already overexerting yourself and spreading yourself too thinly in every direction, and I recognise that it’s me who needs to step up. I need to be the one to help him.”

“I, uh, I still want to help, I do, I just hate feeling like I’m making it worse, which is so often how it ends up being because I can’t always understand what he’s thinking and he gets frustrated with me.”  
“He’s not frustrated with you, not really, he’s frustrated with himself for not being able to handle the situation.”  
“Yeh,” Tyler sniffed.  
“Nonetheless it’s not fair on you.”  
“None of this is is fair, none of us deserve any of this.”  
“Amen to that.” Laura sighed sadly.

“I’m, I’m sorry you’ve lost so many years with your son to this eating disorder Laura.” Tyler maintained eye contact, and she smiled. It was fake, forced, hiding something, and in a fraction of a second her eyes were filled with tears.

“I’m sorry you lost your mom.” She whispered and he nodded gratefully, then sighed, both just watching each other tearfully.

“Can we go find him? My boy?”  
“Course.” Tyler climbed down off the barstool and immediately went over to the box of tissues on the other counter and pulled a handful out, then passed it to Laura before wiping his filthy face and discarding of them in the trashcan. She just took one tissue and dabbed her eyes, then crumpled it up and slotted it in her palm.

Tyler showed her the route from the kitchen across the excessive home he owned and over to the room they’d given Emma to play in. One wall was completely glass and had a magnificent view of his patio and gardens and eventual forest in the distance, but he was more focussed on his loved ones who were in the room.

Jenna was sat on the floor, legs sprawled out in front of her, and she held Emma’s dolly in her arms whilst the little girl was over at the toy kitchen they’d built for her. Meanwhile Josh was on the corner of the sofa, legs curled up to his chest, hand covering the bottom half of his face, clearly ignoring the two girls.

“Daddy Daddy!”  
“Hello gorgeous.” He smiled at Emma as she sprinted over to him and threw herself into his arms.  
“Payin gever! Buba on a Yoshie a Mommy a ooken nner!”  
“You’re all cooking dinner for baby Ron? Oh wow! Isn’t he lucky!! What are you cooking him?”  
“Kn a pada.”  
“Chicken and pasta, yummy. Can I have some too?”  
“Ten,” Emma giggled.  
“I can have ten chickens and pastas?”  
“No silly Daddy, she said it’s just pretend.” Jenna explained what their daughter had actually meant, and he nodded appreciatively.  
“Pretend food is still super yummy though, yummy in my tummy.”  
“I oa a it ven.” She said something about the oven and squirmed out of his embrace then raced back over to the kitchen.

“You okay?” Jenna asked softly, most likely recognising his puffy tear stains, and he nodded slowly.

“How bout you Josh? You okay babe?” Laura took her turn to ask.  
“Can we go home now?” Josh whispered without being at all discrete.  
“Soon darling, soon. Ty, do you wanna talk to him? Just briefly about what we touched on?”  
“Uh yeh, sure,”  
“You don’t have to.” Josh shied away.  
“I’d like to? Please?” Tyler wanted his sincerity to shine through, but feared his hoarse throat was letting him down.

“Are, are you gonna get mad at me?”  
“Nope.”  
“Promise?”  
“Promise.” Tyler nodded.

The room went quiet except for Emma’s happy playing, and eventually Josh caved and stood up.

“Daddy!”  
“I’ll be two minutes princess, two minutes.” He tried to explain as she ran back over to him, clinging onto his shin.  
“Pay!”  
“I’m gonna play all day once Uncle Joshie and Laura go home, all day, but you need to wait for two more minutes.”  
“Daddy no, no! Otta do ooken wi Mommy! Daddy!” She started getting upset so he picked her up and pressed his lips to her forehead.

“I love you sweetheart, and later we’re gonna do so much cooking, we can even do some cooking in Mommy’s big kitchen, hey? We can bake some of her special biscuits from her book?”  
“Ace?!”  
“Yeh, the book with Mommy’s face on the front! So why don’t you sit with Mommy, and then in a few minutes we’ll do some cooking together.”  
“Mommy ooken.”  
“We can do some cooking darling, yeh.” Jenna smiled as the little girl was put back down and immediately went to her. She took the dolly from her and squeezed him tight, then sat in between her mom’s legs.

“Take as long as you need guys,” his wife reassured Tyler and he blew her a kiss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Had my ward round today, and I didn’t get any overnight leave at Christmas. I have 6 hours of dah leave, so I will get a little bit of time with my family, but it wasn’t what I wanted. I respect the decision of my doctors but it doesn’t stop me feeling disappointed. Better luck next year hey!


	6. Chapter 5 Part 2

He showed Josh out of the playroom and towards one of the lounges, gesturing to a couch for them to sit on. Once again Josh brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them, resting his head on them, whilst Tyler sat next to him, turned inwards so to face his best friend.

“Hey,”  
“Hi,” Josh whispered.   
“I get that you had a bad night?”  
“Yeh,”  
“I’m sorry to hear.”  
“These things happen.” He shrugged slowly and passively.

“Did my mom make you cry?”  
“Ohhh yes, I full on sobbed for a moment there bro, it wasn’t pretty.” Tyler confessed.   
“Sorry.”  
“It’s okay, I needed to get it all out my system I think.”

“I, um,” he didn’t know where to start, and Josh gave him no pointers. “I have a bunch going on, you know, personally? With grieving my mom and stuff. And it’s making me feel quite overwhelmed.”  
“Yeh,”  
“And when I’m overwhelmed, I overreact, just like I did with you the other day. You were asking for help and I shouldn’t have been so harsh with you.”  
“Yeh,”  
“But at the same time, I don’t know if I can help you Josh.”  
“Oh,”

“I love you, you’re my best friend, you always have been,”  
“But?”  
“But nothing, you’re my best friend, and it makes me, for lack of a better word, sad that you’re so unwell.”  
“I’m better than I was though.”  
“That’s true, that is true, and I really don’t want to take away from your hard work, but you’re not as well as I wish you were. You deserve to feel better than this.”  
“Do I? Do I deserve better? Because I think I’m an awful person, selfish and bitter, and I think I probably got what I deserved.”  
“What? No. It doesn’t work like that Josh, you don’t have to earn the right to be happy, everyone deserves to be happy.”  
“I don’t, I don’t agree, but okay.”

“I told your mom this already, but the other day I was driving back from a meeting near Toledo and, uh, and I drove past an Applebee’s and had to pull over because I started crying.”  
“Why?”  
“Because it reminded me of when we used to go there after your first discharge, and all the breakthroughs you had there. It was the first restaurant you went in after you got sick, and for the first few days your mom would sit in the car outside and you’d only come for 10 minutes and you and I would sit in the corner booth away from the gang because they were too overwhelming for you. Then you started coming over to our table, then you started staying longer, and your mom started going home, then you started getting Diet Coke, and the first time you ordered a soup I remember going home and crying to my mom because I was so proud of you.”  
“Yeh,”

“I remember it so clearly, the first time you stole one of my fries, and I tried really hard not to make a big deal out of it in case making a fuss made you uncomfortable and upset, but inside I was ecstatic because you were getting better, so so much better. I’d lost my best friend, he’d started withdrawing when he first started self harming and not eating, and then he got pulled out of school and I wasn’t allowed to go see him too much because his mom said he needed to rest, then he got put in the hospital and even when I did see him he wasn’t him, and once he got discharged he was so fragile that I had to tread carefully. I lost him for 2 years, and back then I thought that was a long time, and you eating that fry was a symbol to me that you were back Josh. You were fighting to get better and you were winning.”

“I don’t remember.”  
“You don’t remember going to Applebee’s together? Or you don’t remember eating the fry?” Tyler was reminded how much his latest medication turned Josh’s brain to mush.   
“I remember Applebee’s, with, with, uh,”  
“It was usually Tom, Sophia, Austin and Steph. They were here last night for the gender reveal. I know you haven’t seen them since high school because they were asking after you, so if you want to try meet up with them then I can arrange that?”  
“No.”  
“Okay.”

“What did you say? When they asked about me.”  
“I didn’t go too personal, I told them all the good stuff basically, about how you’re living in your own apartment and have a job and stuff.”  
“Did they ask about my eating?”  
“Steph did, I said you’re still going to therapy but you’re eating really well.” Tyler was nervous, knowing he might have upset his friend. “I know you don’t find it easy to eat, but objectively you are eating really well. I hope you don’t mind me saying that?”  
“S’fine, not like I’m ever gonna see any of them again.”  
“Yeh I guess not.” He sighed as Josh isolated himself.

“I meant I don’t remember the fry.”  
“That’s okay, I guess you had a million challenges to face everyday, there’s no reason that one should have stuck out for you, but it did for me.” Tyler shrugged.

“Why did you cry though? When you saw Applebee’s.”  
“I, I just, I dunno, I felt, feel, like we never had that breakthrough moment after your big relapse. I’m sorry if this is offensive, but I never had that moment where it was like, ah, Josh is back, you know? We haven’t had our ‘stolen fry in Applebee’s’ moment and that, yeah, that’s tough.”

“I feel the same.” Josh admitted a minute later, to Tyler’s surprise. “It clicked for me after I got out of the first admission, if I eat then I have energy and if I have energy then I can hang out with my friends and experience the world, feel happy even. It obviously wasn’t quite that easy, but yeah I pretty much just decided that I was gonna pursue recovery no matter what because it held the greatest potential of me feeling good.”

“You had that, uh, that Instagram recovery account, gah, what was the handle?”  
“PositivelyDun.”  
“Oh yeah, that was it, and after a couple of months you let me follow it. You did challenge of the day, and pint party, and the reality of recovery posts, and maybe they weren’t all sunshine and rainbows, but they were honest, and brave, and I was really proud of you for that Josh.”  
“Thank you.”

“Then things started slipping through your fingers again, and you blocked me from the account, and I should have realised that things were getting bad but I didn’t and I’m sorry.”  
“It’s not your responsibility.”  
“I’m your best friend though-“  
“And not my carer Tyler. I lived with my two parents, they could have noticed I wasn’t eating, I went to school, the teachers who were aware of my history could have noticed, I saw a therapist weekly who didn’t realise how bad things were because I lied and she believed me, even my ED team didn’t take it seriously when my mom got me signed up again. There were professionals and my parents who didn’t see that I was relapsing, it certainly wasn’t up to you to realise that whilst starting your degree 150 miles away.”

“I feel responsible for you Josh.”  
“Even now?”  
“Yeah, you’re my best friend and you need looking after.”  
“Yeh, from time to time, but, but you’re responsible for a lot, you’re a dad and a husband and a CEO, and I need to take some responsibility for myself.”  
“Would it be a dick-move if I agreed with that?”  
“No,” Josh shook his head. “It’s true.”

“I care about you, and I want to help, I just can’t be your first port of call I don’t think.”  
“First port of call? Do, do you think I come to you too often?”  
“No no, I wish you’d talk to me more in fact, it’s more that when you do come to me it feels like if I say or do the wrong thing, everything is gonna fall apart. Do you get that?”

“Things are kinda precarious right now.”  
“Yeah,” Tyler listened and nodded. “I hear you, things could fall apart, and that’s a lot for you to deal with.”  
“It’s for me to deal with, not for you to deal with, I understand.”  
“I don’t mind helping, I like helping, I’d just feel better if I was backed up by an ED team and your parents and maybe a community psych nurse or something? You know, people who can do a better job than me.”  
“Yeh,” Josh whispered.   
“I can supply the hugs, and companionship, and when the chips are down I can dash over to your place with a romcom and a duvet to provide a distraction and a supervising eye, but I can’t solve the big problems. I’ll act as a sounding board if you need to bounce some issues off someone, and I can give advice, but the advice is my opinion and that’s subject to being wrong sometimes Josh. I get it wrong, and right now it feels like if I get it wrong then you might die.”

“I’m not gonna die Ty, I’m fine, I’m a healthy weight, closer to overweight than under.”  
“What about suicide Josh?”

They didn’t use that word. Suicide. They avoided that word. Back when Josh had been hospitalised and was frequently trying to end his life by tying ligatures, they called them ‘attempts’, leaving out the S word. Big scary S word. But Tyler knew it was about time to address the big scary elephant in the room.

“I’m gonna be completely honest right now. I don’t get worried at the idea of you being unable to finish one of your snacks. I do get worried when you don’t reply to my texts because I am terrified of you being dead. I think you’re quite high risk Josh.”

“Wh-why do you think I’m high risk? Did my mom say something?” He played with his nails.   
“Your mom said you had a bad night, but that’s not why I think you’re high risk, I think you’re high risk because you’re so utterly out of love with life. You’re treading water and uninspired and don’t see the value in each day because you’re pained by and bored with your existence. Tomorrow could be taken away and you wouldn’t care, and it doesn’t take much for my imagination to fill in the blanks and see you taking things a step further and ending everything.”   
“I wouldn’t.”  
“Wouldn’t you?”  
“Probably not.”  
“And that flicker of possibility is what terrifies me.”

“I don’t want to die.” Josh said after a few seconds. “I just don’t want to live like this.”  
“You have options,”  
“What are my options? I know, I know we’re agreeing now to stop doing this, and I won’t put this pressure on you again, I promise, I just need you to tell me my options. Please?” He looked up and made eye contact for the first time, and Tyler saw his swollen tears and trembling bottom lip.

“I think we need to get you out of your apartment, you’re too isolated there. Independence is good but loneliness is not, it is only going to contribute further to your depression. So maybe you move in with your parents, maybe you move in with Jordan, maybe you look into supported housing with a psychiatric nursing team on hand? Your mom mentioned that might be a possibility? And if you need somewhere to stay whilst you’re arranging that, my annex is always available to you, if you can put up with us.”  
“Move in with you?”  
“Not long term, I mean we’ve got a baby on the way, but for a few weeks? Just to keep you safe?”

“I don’t, I don’t know if I can Ty.”  
“It doesn’t have to be here, I know you don’t like our neighbourhood, and if you’d feel more comfortable with your parents then I completely understand, I just want you safe.”  
“I don’t know if I can live with anyone!” Josh cried out. “I need to be alone, I have to be alone.”  
“Why?”  
“Because I have to put on my facade of being okay when other people are around and it’s exhausting. If I’m with people I have to fake it all the time.”  
“That’s the point Josh, I want you to stop lying about how you are, I want you to let people in because only then are they able to help you how you need.”   
“I don’t want to go back to hospital,” He was getting panicked, and so Tyler shuffled along the couch with one arm extended and wrapped it around his friend’s shoulders reassuringly.

“Do you think, objectively, you need to go back? Be honest.”  
“I eat, and, and, and I don’t self harm,” Josh murmured. “That’s all they, uh, they care about,”  
“What you really need is treatment for depression, and if I’m honest I don’t know where to go to find that. Maybe there are special centres that focus on it? We could do some research.”  
“Insurance don’t cover that kind of thing because it’s elective.”  
“I’ll pay.”  
“But-“  
“Josh you work in a café, I’m a CEO, to put it bluntly I make more in a week than you do in a year. I have so much disposable income that I literally don’t know what to do with it anymore, it would be an honour to fund your recovery, okay? I don’t wanna hear another word about money, I’ve got it all covered.”

“I’ll pay you back some day.”  
“Let’s get you better first, then we’ll think about that.” Tyler reassured him softly.

“What have you tried already for depression?”   
“Inpatient, day patient, about a dozen antidepressants from every class, lithium, cognitive behavioural therapy, dialectal behaviour therapy, interpersonal therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, behaviour action therapy, art therapy, group therapy, repetitive TMS, plus the herbal crap and essential oils and meditating and mindfulness and all that stuff.”  
“Repetitive TMS, was that the magnet thing which made you dizzy constantly?”  
“Yeah, had an electromagnet pulsing against my skull for an hour a day every day for 6 weeks, and saw absolutely no benefits.” Josh sighed.

“So are there any professional treatment options left?  
“ECT.”  
“What’s that?”  
“Electro convulsive therapy,”  
“No Josh, no, that’s the one where they electrocute you to give you seizures, right? No, this isn’t some lab in the 50s, I can’t believe they still even offer that!”   
“I don’t want it either,” He squeaked.   
“I won’t let anyone do that to you. If any doctor even mentions it, you tell me, okay Josh? Okay?”  
“Yeh,”

Tyler pulled him closer, knowing he was frightened, and pressed their heads together.

“What, what if I can’t be fixed Ty? I’m so scared the rest of my life is gonna feel like this,”  
“I don’t have the answers to the big questions bud, I wish I did but I don’t. All I know is that I’ll be here.”

“I’m sorry I’m not better than this.”  
“I’m sorry too. I know if you could feel better, you would.”  
“I, I, I wanna be that guy again, the guy who can steal a fry at Applebee’s and make you proud.”  
“You do make me proud Josh, every single day.”  
“That’s not true.”  
“It is. You do so much that I’m proud of, I mean after your second admission you could barely function, and everything you now achieve on a daily basis was out of the question back then. Preparing and eating your own meals, managing your own medication, travelling independently, having a job, living on your own? They’re all hugely impressive if you consider how much you’ve struggled with it in the past.”  
“Why does it still feel like I’m getting nowhere?”  
“Because you’re not taking the time to zoom out and see how far you’ve come.”

“Do you, do you ever get scared about the future?” Josh sniffed a moment later.   
“Sometimes.” Tyler nodded. “Jenna and I, we had a miscarriage last year and with this pregnancy we’ve both been getting really scared that it’s going to happen again.”  
“You had a miscarriage? What?” Josh sat up and looked at him, shock decorating his expression.

“Yeah, lost a baby at 13 weeks.”  
“When?”  
“December.”  
“Just after your mom died.”  
“5 weeks later, yeh,”  
“Oh my god Tyler,” Josh threw his arms around him and squeezed him close.

“I’m so sorry, I’m so sorry,”  
“It’s fine, it’s okay, we’re okay,” Tyler tried to reassure him.   
“I had no idea,”  
“Nobody knows except Jenna’s mom and sisters, and I just told your mom too. Don’t worry, we’re okay,”  
“I blocked you, you, you lost your mom and your baby and I ignored you,”  
“Josh, breathe, it’s okay, honestly, you don’t need to feel bad,” he felt guilty for going against Laura’s advice and telling Josh the information that she had correctly predicted would overwhelm him. But simultaneously, he wanted Josh to know.

“You were right, I’m a bad friend.”  
“Even the world’s best human being couldn’t have brought back the baby. It’s not because you’re a bad friend - which isn’t even true by the way. Sometimes these things happen for no reason, and it’s terrible, but it doesn’t mean we need to start pointing fingers.”   
“I wasn’t there for you.”  
“There was nothing you could have said. Everything fell apart, my mom was only just in the ground, we lost the baby, my dad was hysterical and inconsolable, and my siblings were practically mute. I think if you came round with flowers and your sympathies, I probably would have slammed the door in your face out of pure frustration. I might have directed my confusion, my anger, my pain, at you. It was the best thing for you to have done by stepping back from a situation you knew was potentially upsetting, and it was best for me that I didn’t get the opportunity to lash out at you. Maybe it stung a bit at first, when I called and your number was blocked, but it was the right thing for both of us.”

“Is this how you feel?” Josh whispered.   
“Is what how I feel?”   
“I can’t help you. I want to, I really really fucking want to, but I know there’s nothing I can do for you. Is that how I make you feel when I expect you to fix me?”   
“Kinda?” Tyler shrugged honestly. “But with your situation there’s more hope because I know the possibility of improvement exists. There’s no hope in death.”

“I’m, I’m sorry I keep putting more and more weight on your shoulders.”  
“It’s okay, and now you’re aware of it I think we’re gonna make a much better team, don’t you?”  
“I, uh, I’m, I’m sorry I’m not the kind of friend you can rely on.”  
“I can rely on you Josh,”  
“I’m never here for you.”  
“You are. When we took Emma to speech therapy for the first time, who was waiting for her on the doorstep when we got back with a teddy bear? You, because you knew she was scared.”

“It was just a bear,”  
“It wasn’t just a bear. Firstly, to Emma it’s the greatest gift she’s ever received, she sleeps with him every single nap time and every night, and she cries if he falls out of her bed. But to us? As parents? Josh that meant more than you can imagine. We were both terrified that day, and we’d been scared for a long time that she would never be accepted and never be understood by those around her just because she can’t form her words properly, and Jenna especially had been crying nearly every night. All we want is for her to find happiness, and when we came home, there you were, a symbol that there are people who care about her and she will be okay in the future. It wasn’t just a bear.”

“I love her.”  
“I know you do.”  
“I’m, I’m so lucky you let me be a part of her life Tyler, being her Godfather, it gives me meaning.”   
“That’s lucky, since we’re hoping to ask you to be a godfather to our little guy?”  
“Really? You’re sure?”  
“I can’t think of anyone I’d rather trust my kids with Josh, you’re so good with Emma.”

“I, I, sometimes I get too absorbed in my thoughts. I didn’t play with her whilst you were talking to my mom, I ignored her,” he seemed ashamed.   
“Do you think that might help though Josh? Stop you from getting absorbed? Playing with her?”  
“Yeh, she, she makes me smile, and I have to concentrate and stay in the moment so I can pick up on her sounds. She definitely helps, both as a distraction and as a positive influence on my day.”  
“See there we go, that’s an option that I bet your psychiatrist hadn’t considered, you can come play with my babies.”  
“Sounds an awful lot better than ECT.” Josh smiled tiredly.   
“Agreed.”

“You really want me to be godfather to your next child?”   
“Yes please.”  
“And Jenna? She’s okay with it?”  
“She brought it up before I could. She sees how patient you are with Emma, she knows how diligent you are, she loves you, and I think she also appreciates how much you appreciate the role.”  
“I appreciate it so much, becoming Emma’s godfather, it was probably the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

“I know I’ll never understand what it feels like Josh, to be you, but I’m guessing depression acts a bit like a fire blanket, smothering out any little spark of possibility so it seems like everything is dark and dead.” Tyler spoke softly, watching his friend’s facial expressions. “But I’m here to lift up the corner of the blanket, and to let you know that there’s a whole world out here, a whole world of possibility. And maybe somethings aren’t for you, they’re too scary, too challenging, too much, but I think the longer you spend with your head poked above the surface, the braver you’ll become.”

“Hanging out with my friends, I know you can’t manage that currently, and I’m sorry you had to cross paths with them last week. But as scary as it is, building up your exposure and therefore your tolerance to these anxiety provoking situations, that’s going to enable you to one day be well enough to socialise with us, and as exhausting as socialising can be, I think it’s a really important combatant that’s going to help you feel better in the long run.”

“You, y-you know the Book of Life?” Josh said.   
“The cartoon? Set on the day of the dead, right?”  
“Yeh. I, uh, I think sometimes, about the idea of the soul living in the memory of others, and the likelihood of me going to the land of the forgotten.”  
“What do you mean Josh?” Tyler frowned, hoping it wasn’t a twisted way to say he was suicidal.   
“I dunno, I just, it’s the idea that you live on in the memories of others after you die, and I get scared that I’m so cut off from everyone that people wouldn’t even notice if I passed - I’m not saying I wanna pass soon or anything, I’m just saying when I inevitably do, who will care? I’ve drifted apart from everyone, I’ve separated myself from everyone, and now I’m alone.”

“You’re not some eremite isolated in a distant cave living off the land, you’re not completely cut off. You’ve got me, and Jenna, and Emma, and your family, and you also play roles in your customers’ lives and the same for your psych team, but I get what you mean. You’d be more secure in your web if you had some more links to other people.”  
“But other people are scary.” Josh shared his dilemma.   
“Is Zack scary?”  
“Yep,”  
“Even though you were there that time when we were kids and Maddy caught him trying on her bra?”  
“Oh yeah, I forgot about that.”   
“He doesn’t bite, he’s a big softy really.”

“I know it’s petty, but I think you guys getting rich, it, it, I don’t know, sometimes it can feel like I’m not worth your time.”  
“He still sleeps in Batman pyjamas.” Tyler said lightheartedly. “I get why you might feel that way, with our fancy houses and fancy suits, but I like to think I’m still the same Tyler. And if I’m not? I want you to tell me that. I want to be kept grounded,”  
“You are grounded, you are, I just, sometimes, stuff, it, it comes out wrong.”  
“Can you think of any examples?”  
“Like earlier, when you said you make more in a week than I do a year. I work hard Ty, and, and you made it sound like I don’t.”  
“You’re right, that did come out wrong, and I’m sorry.” He spoke from the heart.

“The work you do is challenging for you, the work I do is challenging for me. It’s not fair that I should be heavily rewarded whilst you’re not, and if you ever want me to rebalance the scales then just nod and I’ll transfer as much as you need.”  
“I have savings. My only expenditures are bills and groceries, and I buy the same stuff every week. Mom buys me clothes because I get worked up when it comes to sizes and changing rooms, and she buys gifts on my behalf when it comes to Christmas and birthdays because it stresses me out. Everything else I earn goes straight to the bank.”   
“If you want me to show you ways to earn more than the interest the bank pays you, let me know.”  
“I, if I’m honest, want you to stop offering. I know if I ever needed money then I could turn to you, but I don’t Ty. Thank you, it’s nice knowing you’ve got my back, but I’m okay. That’s one area of my life where I’m on track at least.”  
“Okay, heard loud and clear.” He nodded.

“How did you so elegantly phrase it the other day? I wanna deep throat capitalism?” Tyler chuckled to himself.   
“Sorry,” Josh said sheepishly.   
“It’s funny, don’t worry, I caught you at an off moment and you lashed out - I haven’t internalised it or anything.”  
“I went too far though, calling your business shady and everything,”  
“I know the reputation surrounding wealth management, but I promise we’re doing everything by the book, we got audited recently and everything’s a-okay. All I do is show people how to look after their money, and in return I get to live this awesome life where I can work the hours I want and spend time with my daughter and put her through speech therapy, and support my wife’s dream of writing cookbooks - although did you know she made more than me the last quarter of last year? Everyone bought her family feast book for Thanksgiving and Christmas, it went back up as a bestseller even though it got published over two years before.”  
“Good for her,” Josh was doing his best to sound proud, Tyler could tell.

“It’s, um, it’s nice you had something to celebrate, considering last year was so so crap.”  
“Yeah you’re right. We didn’t really celebrate, it was all too soon after Mom and the baby, but upon reflection it’s definitely a nice note to end on - the sign of better times to come.”  
“And now you’ve got a little boy on the way.”  
“Yep, little fella joining us soon, and Emma’s speech has come so far.”  
“I heard her say ‘friend’ perfectly earlier, it was awesome,”  
“Wasn’t it good hey? She’s been working so hard, I try to get her to do her exercises twice a day everyday and she gets so tired and frustrated with me, but she’s definitely getting better.”  
“Definitely.” Josh agreed with a nod.

“That’s how it should be - hard work paying off, and I’m sorry that all your hard work in therapy doesn’t always lead to you feeling better.”   
“I think maybe it’s time I got a new therapist.”  
“Not finding Dr Lyle so helpful anymore?” Tyler asked.   
“I like him, I do, he’s good. I just think, I dunno, maybe you’re right, maybe I need to make some changes if I want to change.”  
“I think that’s a really brave first step Josh, I know how important your relationship with your psychologist is.”  
“Yeah,” Josh was clearly still trying to figure out the decision.

“How long have you been with Dr Lyle?”  
“Um, about, about 4 years?”  
“Wow, has it really been that long already? Hmm, time flies hey,” Tyler thought to himself. “I think your relationship with him is really secure, but maybe you would benefit from a fresh pair of ears and someone who pushes you a bit more.”  
“Maybe.” He shrugged anxiously.

“Sometime to discuss with Momma Laura perhaps.”  
“I think so.” Josh yawned.

“You know she wants to go to Tibet with you to become monks together.”  
“She wants to what??”  
“Yep, that’s what she said. She’ll do anything and everything to help you beat depression, and she’s willing to try becoming a monk in the Himalayas if that’s what it takes.”  
“I, I think I might try a new psych first.” Josh sniffed amused.

“You’ve got lots of things to try first. A new psych, hopefully coming up with a new routine where you live with other people, maybe even just for a few days a week, and spending more time with my little girl.”  
“I don’t, I don’t wanna agree to doing all of that in case I can’t cope, but, uh, but it’s nice to have options. Thanks Ty.”  
“You don’t need to agree to anything if it makes you uncomfortable, my aim is only to help you. The one thing I ask is that you tell me if you can feel things slipping further. I don’t want you going back into hospital.”

“I’m, uh, I’m not afraid of an admission, I don’t think I’m deteriorating, I think I’ve plateaued and I’m afraid of continuing this path of nothingness.”  
“I’m afraid of you considering your life to be nothing, because I know that breeds suicidal ideation,” Tyler replied with his most honest concern. “I just, I, I care about you Josh, I care about you a lot, and this whole situation makes my heart hurt. I don’t want this for you, I want you to be happy and flourishing and enjoying each day like I do. I want you to see life through my eyes, looking forward to spending time with your partner and engaging with your child as they figure their way through life and loving your career and feeling proud of your successes and hungry for more. I love life, and I wish you did too.”

“Do you ever feel like you wake up just to go back to bed?”  
“I wake up excited to see my girls. Bed time is that sucky point where I have to close my eyes and stop seeing them for a few hours.”   
“I don’t feel excited.”  
“Ever?”  
“Never.” Josh sighed. “I don’t remember the last time I was excited. I don’t remember a life before mental illness numbed me.”  
“I remember who you were before, and I know that you can have a life beyond mental illness too.”

“Maybe my brain is just wired this way, maybe I’m fighting off the unavoidable.”  
“Maybe you’re this close to cracking the code and all you need is one last push.” Tyler held his fingers just a fraction of a millimetre away from each other. “I know you’re tired, but you can’t take your foot off the gas Josh.”

“Do you know why I stopped driving?”  
“You couldn’t afford the payments on your car,”  
“That was the excuse I used. I stopped because I was getting impulsive thoughts that I should floor it and go as fast as I could, or try driving the wrong way down the highway, or drive off a bridge. Every time I drove I couldn’t stop thinking about reckless behaviours, and I couldn’t ignore them any longer, so the car had to go.”

“Obviously I don’t condone dangerous driving, and you made the right decision by being safe so well done, but do you think maybe you need to do something like that? Something exhilarating? Just to get your adrenaline going, and to make you value life a bit more?”  
“What do you mean? Play Russian roulette or...?” Josh frowned.   
“No no, have a safety net in place still so the danger is contained - maybe skydiving? Something like that?? I dunno, bungy jumping, parachuting, zip lining - an activity that’s gonna get your heart pumping.”

“And that’s gonna cure my depression?” He seemed doubtful to say the least.   
“No, but it could make you feel something, give you a break from the numbness. Wouldn’t jumping out of a plane disrupt the cycle of waking up just to drift through another day?”  
“Maybe, but, but in the same way that cutting myself used to give me a buzz. I don’t think, uh, don’t think learning that it helps to jump off stuff is a good lesson, because I can’t skydive everyday, and I can see myself getting addicted and just jumping off tall stuff for the thrill, and before you know it it’s a 10 storey building and I can’t stick the landing if you know what I mean.”

“It was a silly suggestion, forget it, I’m just trying to think outside the box.”  
“I appreciate you trying Ty, sorry for shooting you down.” Josh said softly.   
“It’s good to be critical sometimes.” He understood. “Now that I think about it, it does sound slightly like the plot to Fight Club, and that didn’t exactly end great.”  
“Hmm,” Josh was amused momentarily, nodding.

“Do, uh, um, I’m, I’m getting anxious, but, but, uh,”  
“I’m listening.” Tyler encouraged him patiently.   
“Would, uh, I, I, maybe I need to change my meal plan? Would, uh, would Jen, would Jenna help me?”  
“Josh she would love nothing more.”  
“My, uh, my dietician, she doesn’t let me, uh, she doesn’t let me count my macros, but, but I need to, have to, so would, would Jenna let me do you think?”   
“Macros? What’s that?”  
“Fat, carb and protein ratios.”

“Why doesn’t your dietician let you count them?”  
“She says it’s disordered.”  
“Is it disordered?”  
“Yes.” Josh was honest, which Tyler respected. “But they’re not restrictive or targeted at weight loss, I do 30/40/30 which is advised, she just says it’s disordered because it’s controlling my intake and I’m supposed to be relaxing that control.”   
“Okay, right,”

“I’m just, I’ve, I’ve been eating the same thing week in week out for almost 2 years now. I’m sick of it if I’m honest. But if I ask my dietician to change it then she might mess up the macros and I’ll get really panicky and bad again, so I need someone to help me make a meal plan that meets my calorie requirements and macros but isn’t the same safe meals I’ve been on for years.”   
“Jenna can definitely do that. She has to put all her recipes through some fancy software that works out the nutritional value, so it would be super easy for her to check that things match your goals. Plus she loves a challenge, and she’s been planning a new book for special dietary needs so this would be awesome practice.”

Tyler could see Josh shaking, and hear his sharp breaths through his flaring nostrils, and so he put a comforting hand on his thigh.

“One meal at a time. You don’t need to change your whole routine, just try one meal at a time.”  
“One bite at a time, that’s what my mum says when I get spooked by the size of a meal. Don’t think of it as a whole, think of it as one little spoon followed by another.” Josh murmured. “Don’t think of the overwhelming colossal challenge ahead, focus on the baby steps.”  
“Journey of a thousand miles starts with a single step after all.” Tyler agreed with a nod.

“You do so much for me.”  
“Me?”  
“Yeh, you and Jenna and Emma, and I don’t say thank you often enough.”  
“It’s what friends are for bud.”  
“I rely on you too much.”  
“Perhaps,” he shrugged honestly. “But I’m not going anywhere, I’ll always have your back Josh.”

“I don’t know where I’d be without you.” Josh whispered, then added, “I do actually, I’d be in the grave already.”  
“Don’t say that.”  
“It’s true,”  
“You don’t know that.”  
“I do.” He insisted.

“I don’t like imagining a life without you,” Tyler told him.   
“Same for me with you. I owe you everything.”  
“Give yourself more credit. You do all the hard bits, you’re the one who forces himself to battle his own thoughts constantly, you’re the one who needs congratulating for getting this far. Maybe every couple of weeks I give you a point in the right direction or a pep talk or something, but it’s you who looks after you Josh.”   
“We both know you do more than that. We both know the responsibility weighs heavier on you than that.”

“I’m sorry about everything I said.”  
“What did you say?” Josh echoed confused.   
“When I came round the day after you left really early, and I snapped at you.”  
“I don’t, I don’t remember.”  
“Meds?”  
“I don’t know.” He was beginning to look scared again, so Tyler moved his hand off Josh’s knee to give him space to settle.

“Do you remember me coming round?”  
“Yeh, but, but I can’t remember what you said, I just know we had an argument.”   
“That’s right,” Tyler nodded, trying his best not to be patronising as he gauged how big the gap was in Josh’s memory. “Do you remember what we argued about?”  
“No,”  
“Do you want me to tell you?”  
“Will it upset me?”  
“It did last week.”

“Do I need to hear it? Do you need me to hear it?”  
“You’d hear it even if it upset you?”  
“Yeh,” Josh nodded. “You wouldn’t have said it unless you felt like I needed it.”  
“True, I, uh, well, I basically said that sometimes you expect too much of me? Expect me to come up with all the solutions, and I can’t Josh, that’s a lot of pressure on me. I don’t know the answers, and I get scared that you’re gonna hurt yourself if I say the wrong thing, but I don’t know what the right thing is. But then I went onto say I still want to support you, I’ll still be here for you, you just need to come up with some other management techniques - and that’s what we’ve been doing today, so in many ways we’ve already amended that.”

“I’m gonna try and do better, try and cope more on my own without leaning on you.”  
“You can lean on me, I just can’t carry you.” Tyler wasn’t sure whether the metaphor made sense. “I need to make sure I don’t spread myself too thin. I have to look after Emma and her speech, Jenna and the baby and the fear of another miscarriage, my widowed father, my grieving siblings, my own grief. I’ve got a lot to watch out for, so I can’t be there 24/7 for you.”  
“Yeh,”

“I was also a bit upset about how you dealt with my mom’s death.”  
“Blocking you. Abandoning you.”  
“Yeh,” Tyler shrugged uneasily. “It wasn’t a very nice feeling, knowing you weren’t there for me when I needed you. I get it’s difficult, and it made you anxious, but yeah, I’m just being honest about how I felt.”   
“I’m sorry Ty, really, I am. I could make excuses but you don’t want to hear them. Fundamentally you make sacrifices for me all the time, and even though it wasn’t easy, I should have done the same thing for you. I couldn’t have fixed it, I know that, but I should have been there to hug you, and clean up the house, and take Emma out to give you a break, and just general helpful stuff that you would do for me in a heartbeat. I should have done more, and I’m so sorry I didn’t.”  
“I forgive you.” Tyler meant it.   
“You do?”  
“I do.”

“I know it’s not just in the past, I know you’re still grieving your mom now, so if there’s anything I could do to take the load off a little, let me know?”  
“You gonna start babysitting Emma for me?” Tyler smiled hopefully.   
“Babysitting?”  
“Yeh? Jenna and I won’t leave the house for the first few times if you’re anxious, but earlier you were saying how she can help lift your mood, and it would definitely do Jen and I some good to have some one on one time with each other and the baby, plus Emma always tries harder with her words when she’s with other people, and she always loves hanging out with her Uncle Joshie.”

“I’m, I’m up for it, I think,” Josh’s face didn’t look as calm as he was pretending to be, Tyler could see the panic, but he trusted his best friend.   
“You know what would be awesome? If you could work up the courage to go collect her from nursery on a Friday since you don’t work then, and you could bring her back here on the bus. She’s never been on a bus before, but she’d love it, a big adventure with her best Uncle.”  
“Would, uh, would I have to talk to the staff? At the nursery?”  
“You’d have to sign her out, yeh, but I can help you the first time so you’re not too anxious?”

Josh was about to respond when suddenly the door opened and his mother appeared.

“Sorry, sorry, Ty I’ve gone and put my foot in it with Jenna and she’s upset.” Laura seemed guilty.   
“What happened?” He was stood up in no time.   
“I gave my condolences, over the loss last year-“  
“The miscarriage?” Tyler wanted to make sure he understood, and Laura shot a worried glance to Josh, still believing he didn’t know, but it quickly became clear that Tyler had updated him too, against her advice.

“Yeh, she left the room crying, headed towards your pool,”  
“Where’s Emma?”  
“Playroom still,”  
“I’ll go look after her, you go comfort Jenna.” Josh took charge for a change, and Tyler obeyed immediately and headed towards the door whilst the mother and son walked towards each other without outstretched arms.

“Mom, he’s gonna help me, Tyler’s gonna help me,” was the last thing he heard Josh say before he turned the corner with a small smile creeping up his lips, listening out for his wife.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is a day late, I had a wobble yesterday and didn’t feel up to editing, but last update should be up tomorrow xx


	7. Chapter 5 Part 3

“Ah oan onna ven!”  
“You’re such a good baker Emma,” Josh smiled as the little girl took the wooden dish ladened with wooden fruits and put it in her play oven.   
“Ma Momma!”  
“Just like your Momma, that’s right.”  
“Ihna ooken, Ungle Yoshie pay wi on,”  
“I’ll play with Ron whilst you’re busy cooking, course I will sweetheart, no problem.” He took the baby off her and cradled him affectionately whilst she pushed all her hair out of her face with her little hands and went back to the hard work of preparing a pretend meal for them all.

“Emma, do you want me to tie your ribbon again so you don’t have hair in your eyes?” Josh’s mom offered, sat on the sofa, watching them play together on the carpet.   
“I on ike ee f ush!”  
“She only likes it for church,” he explained when his mom didn’t understand. “But doesn’t Mommy put her hair up when she’s cooking?”  
“Yeh!”  
“So should we be like Mommy? Hey?”  
“Yeh!” She pulled the loose ribbon from her hair and went over to Josh, holding it out for him.

“Laura can do it for you darling,” he pointed to her.   
“Ungle Yoshie oo i!”  
“I don’t know how to tie up beautiful long hair, I’ve only got short hair,” Josh ran his hand through his recently shaved dark fuzz.   
“Ungle Yoshie!!”  
“Have a go,” His mom encouraged him.   
“Alright alright, Uncle Joshie will have a go, but you gotta sit super still, okay?” He told her as she jumped onto his lap with a happy giggle.

“Careful! You nearly squashed Ron!” Josh laughed and gave her the dolly to hold, then helped her little body get comfy in between his legs.   
“I onna ug im ee no eyein.”  
“Yeah I think that’s a good idea, give him a big hug so he doesn’t cry.” He praised her idea.

“And one day in the near future you’re gonna have a baby brother, and you can hug him so that he doesn’t cry, and be a really good big sister, hey?”  
“Momma ah a buba!”  
“That’s right! Isn’t it exciting? You can teach him how to roll over and sit up, and you can teach him your really good words.”  
“I o to erappy.”  
“I go to therapy too.”  
“Ungle Yoshie o oo?!” She twisted in his lap, undoing all his attempts at styling her hair, but looking at him with a gaze of wonder that he couldn’t resist cracking a smile at.

“Yeah, I go to therapy every week. It’s a little bit different, but I’m trying to get better too.”  
“I o wih mah Momma a Daddy a we o a alkin a eh I ge onus!”  
“I remember last week you came to my shop to buy your donut with your mummy and daddy, and they told me you did so so good.”  
“Ungle Yoshie ges onus?”  
“I don’t get a donut, no.”   
“I ake Yoshie a onus!” She was so excited by her idea that she leapt up and dashed straight over to her kitchen to get baking.

“Ashley never used to let me do her hair, it was an endless battle.” His mom recalled, chuckling softly as Emma continued to push hers out of her face every few seconds. “You’re so good with her Josh.”  
“You’re my lil buddy, aren’t you Emma?”  
“Ungle Yoshie my friend.”

“Wow Emmy baby! You said friend perfectly! Again! Wow!” Jenna came back into the room at exactly the right moment and immediately the little girl ran over to her and was swept up in her arms. Josh could see the redness of her bloodshot eyes, and the groups of eyelashes stuck together by salty tears, but she seemed calm.

No more than 2 seconds later, Tyler joined them too and put a protective hand on Jenna’s lower back, stroking fondly with his thumb.

He’d been crying again too.

“You both okay?” Josh asked subtly and Tyler nodded, lying. “Emma’s been cooking for Ron and Laura and me, she’s making me a donut right now as a reward for going to my therapy, because last week I gave her a donut for doing so well in her therapy.”   
“I got so lucky having such a lovely kind generous baby,” Jenna squeezed her tight, pressing her lips to her grinning daughter’s head. “You’re my little princess, and I love you so much.”

“Mommy ooken onus?” Emma asked.   
“We can cook some donuts a bit later if you want. Mommy’s still got some of that jam we made last week, so we could fill them with that, hey? Why don’t you finish your donut that’s already cooking with Laura, whilst Mommy and Daddy do a super quick job with Uncle Joshie, then we can start baking straight away.”  
“I iniss.” She squirmed down onto the floor.   
“Yeh you go finish - Laura, do you mind if we steal your son for a quick moment?”  
“Take all the time you need. This one’s an angel, she’s no problem,” Josh’s mom agreed to watch the young girl and so Josh followed the pregnant couple out of the room and into the kitchen.

Nobody sat down, they all just stood around one corner of the work top, and Josh’s pulse started to rise as he awaited their line of fire.

“Sorry for breaking up your heart to heart, it wasn’t my intention,” Jenna began.   
“Don’t apologise, it’s okay, you were upset,” Josh waved away her concern. “And I don’t want to risk following in the same footsteps as my mom and triggering the same reaction, but please know that if there’s ever anything I can do to make this easier, just say the word.”   
“Well, actually, funny you should say that,” Jenna tucked her hair behind her ears.

“I told Jen about our idea, of you maybe babysitting Emma for us?”  
“Yeh, uh, and you’re okay with that?”  
“Okay? Josh you’re amazing with her, she adores you, I’d love for you to play a bigger role in her life. Plus it would give Ty and I some much needed couple time, you know, just, just to sort of process everything that’s happened in the last 18 months,” she reached across and played with Tyler’s hair affectionately.

“Grief takes time to work through, and when you’ve got a 3 year old you don’t really get any time, let alone a 3 year old with communication difficulties.”  
“Yeh,”   
“Some healing time is necessary I think,” Jenna was clearly talking about Tyler losing his mom, the man forcing an obviously fake smile whilst she let her hand move down to lovingly stroke his jaw with her thumb.

“I know I cut into that limited and precious free time too, and I’m sorry. I’m gonna try and be more independent.”  
“Independence is good, as long as it’s not code for isolation.” Jenna told him.   
“We didn’t agree that you needed to be more independent, we agreed that we were gonna change our communications to be more often but less pressure on me - I wanna hear about your day, I wanna know how you are, I just can’t, you know, I can’t fix everything,” Tyler shrugged shyly, and the tear swollen eyes made him look much more vulnerable than his smooth voice suggested.   
“I understand.”

“He cares about you a lot, and that means he worries,” Jenna put it nicely and Tyler nodded.   
“I, I appreciate that, I do, and I care about you guys too, so I worry about you and everything you’ve gone through and how you’re both coping and all the addition bother I’m causing you,”   
“Josh, Josh, we’re okay,” Jenna reassured him. “We get upset sometimes, of course we do, we’re humans, but when Ty’s had a bad day then I’m there to sit outside on the bench in our woods with him and listen to the birds, and then I’ll make him his favourite dinner and we’ll watch an episode or 3 of The Office in bed,”  
“And when Jen falls down, I’m there to pick her back up again.” Tyler looked at her with love glowing from the corners of his lips, and Jenna noticed too and kissed him for a few brief seconds.

“We’ve got this.”   
“We’re gonna get through it.” Tyler agreed, standing behind his wife and holding her bump whilst resting his chin on her blonde hair, Jenna relaxing back against his chest.

“Pretty soon this lil love bug will be joining the mad house too, and we’ll have even less sleep and even less time, but we’ll always have time for looking out for each other and making sure we’re both doing the best we can, and we’ll always have time for you Josh.” Jenna spoke with a warmness that Josh believed.

“Does, does it not feel like I’m your weird third child that you’re stuck with though Jenna? I mean when I first met you over Skype, I was inpatient, I was really sick, I, I’ve always been sick in your eyes - do you not find it annoying that I’m this weirdo that your husband feels the need to keep an eye on?”   
“Annoying? Nope. It’s a pleasure to know you, and yes you have mental health issues, but you’re more than that and I love every part of you, healthy or not. Of course I have bad memories, memories of Tyler crying after he came back to school from a weekend home visiting you in hospital, and of long nights in ER when you had those overdoses, and us sobbing together on the floor of the kitchen in the old house when you got overwhelmed at dinner. They’re bad memories. But I also have the amazing memories of always going to the Christmas lights together, and our jigsaw nights, and you arriving at the maternity ward just seconds before we had Emma, and standing on the doorstep with Mr Cuddles waiting for us after Emmy’s first speech appointment.”

Josh’s line of vision quickly flicked up to Tyler, who smiled proudly, knowing his earlier point was being confirmed. Maybe Mr Cuddles really had meant more than he thought?

“You’re not an annoying child, you’re a guy who struggles from time to time, but guess what? So does everyone Josh. Maybe you struggle more than most, but that doesn’t make you worth any less than them.”

“I just don’t wish to impose - you guys have each other and complement each other perfectly, and I don’t want to disrupt the balance.”  
“You’re doing nothing of the sort Josh, Ty and I are too tightly knit to let anything come between us.”  
“Yeh, it’s not like we’re inviting you for a threesome or anything,” Tyler teased and Jenna playfully scowled at him whilst Josh laughed for a brief second before quickly sobering again.

“Not having you in our lives would leave a huge hole, which would be far more distressing than any of the worry or concerns we have about you from time to time.” Jenna told him more seriously. “We love you Josh, I mean that with all sincerity. It’s not pity, it’s not obligation, it’s genuine and it’s special. I love having you in my life, and I’d love for you to be happier but I also love you for who you are, and right now that happens to be a really depressed dude who thinks life is a bit crap.”  
“That’s me.” Josh shrugged with a small curl of the lips.

“But we’re gonna do our best to change that, yeah?” Tyler reminded him. “New psychologist, more time with Emma, maybe a couple of days now and then spent living with your mom or siblings or us.”  
“Our annex is always always available to you if you know you need to get out of your apartment and not be alone.”   
“Thanks,”

“Do you wanna stay with us next weekend?”  
“Um, uh, I, uh,”  
“No pressure.” Jenna immediately backtracked when she realised his anxiety spike. “I thought it would be a nice time to build a few meals for you, but we can do that whenever. I write cookbooks all day, I can write you your own at any point you feel ready.”  
“You’ll do that?”  
“Absolutely, macro and calorie controlled, right? That’s what Ty said.”   
“If that’s okay?”  
“Not a problem at all, no problemo. I already have all the nutrition info for all my recipes in a huge folder in my office, and you can take the whole thing home with you today if you want, just to start flicking through for inspiration. And any that you like the sound of that don’t match your requirements - I can figure out a way to make them fit.”

“You’ll let me take them? Aren’t they top secret?”  
“Only according to my publisher - you’re not planning on leaking them to the press or releasing them under your own name, right?”  
“No,”  
“No, see, you’re fine. I understand that this is gonna be really tricky for you, and I wanna give you the chance to think about it in the comforts of your own home at your own pace without me pushing you to agree to something you won’t be able to keep up for more than a day.”

Jenna got it, she understood entirely, and all Josh could do was nod gratefully.

“This is a huge part of your life that we’re trying to rearrange and reinvent. I don’t want it to be anymore upsetting to you than it innately will be.”  
“I, I, I don’t know what to say - I don’t deserve either of you, thank you so much.”   
“Don’t thank us Josh, honestly, I enjoy a challenge so I’m looking forward to it really.” Jenna sounded convincing in her mild excitement towards the task. “Plus you’re gonna do us a favour in return by looking after our little girl, hey?”  
“Yep.” Josh nodded and Tyler smiled.

For a brief second, watching the love the couple had for each other and the bump which that love had created, Josh had a sudden longing for a family of his own. But with a deep breath, he grounded himself once again with the reality that he wasn’t well enough to start supporting a partner, and probably wouldn’t be any time soon.

“We just want you to know you’re important to us Josh,” Jenna told him.   
“Absolutely, you’re our daughter’s godfather, our best friend - you’re important.” Tyler agreed with her and Josh wished he could believe them. “And we’re here for you. I’ve been there for you for more than half my life and that’s not gonna change.”

“I think, I think I’m just very aware that you have your own stuff to deal with, and, uh, and yeah, it feels wrong to expect you to heal me too.”  
“Our priority is obviously ourselves - it’s the health of the baby and the wellbeing of Emma and managing our own personal grief. We’re not sacrificing ourselves for you Josh, just opening our arms to you. We appreciate your concern, but neither of us are going to light ourselves on fire to keep you warm, so you don’t need to worry.”  
“And when we feel like maybe the boundaries are slipping, we’ll tell you - that’s what I did last week. I told you that I wasn’t comfortable with the dynamic, and now that it’s been addressed I’m confident that we’re gonna be able to keep up this relationship of helping one another in the best way.” Tyler said.

“I know that mental illness is a huge part of your life, huge, and it affects everything you do, but it’s good to remember that you two have a friendship outside of just helping each other. It might be nice for both of you to try and do more stuff that doesn’t necessarily surround depression and eating disorders and grief - maybe you could start playing basketball together, or golf, or something?” Jenna suggested.   
“I, uh, yeh, I mean sport can be kinda triggering, yanno, with exercise addiction and over exertion and stuff I did in the past, but, but we could do something else?” Josh shrugged and Tyler nodded reassuringly.

“Babe you were saying the other day that you wanted to try picking up another instrument in addition to the piano - you guys could try something musical? Both learn guitar or something? That might be quite nice?”  
“Yeah, that could be a lot of fun, I bet the guys at the music store would help us out with where to start.”

“I don’t really have any hobbies, so, uh, I, and, I get anxious with new stuff, but, but you’d be there, right Ty?”  
“I’ll be there bud.”  
“Yeh, so, so it would be okay.”  
“I’ll make sure of it.” Ty’s calm smile was soothing.

“Wow, it’s, uh, I, I got a lot of change coming up in the next few weeks,” Josh scratched his head then played with his hair.   
“Change is good, yeah? We need a bit of a shake up to try and break out of the routine that’s making you miserable.”  
“Yeh,”  
“But if it’s moving too fast, you can absolutely put the brakes on.” Jenna interjected.   
“Oh yeah, of course, the last thing I’d want is to move too quickly for you to be able to manage and for things to slip, so please keep me posted on how you’re coping - it’s gonna be challenging but I wanna know if the challenge is too much.”  
“I’ll tell you.”

“I’m sorry things are so tricky Josh.” Jenna’s sympathy was sincere. Everything she said seemed sincere, and Josh was overcome with a wave of gratitude for the woman who had won his best friend’s heart.

“It’s, uh, I, yeh, it’s, it’s crap? But, uh, I think, I think that means I deserve some, uh, I’ve earned some good times in the future.”  
“Absolutely, and here’s hoping that it’s the very near future.” She nodded.   
“We had a bad year, and now we’ve been blessed with this little miracle. I’m sure there’s something equally as positive waiting for you in the future,” Tyler’s protective hand stroked their baby bump.

“Maybe, uh, maybe it’s the same? Maybe he’s the positive thing on my horizon too? I mean Emma brings me so much joy, so much, and if you’re going to give me the amazing honour and opportunity to be a godfather to this little guy then that joy is gonna be doubled.”   
“What do ya say Ty? Should we let him be the godfather?” Jenna smirked at her husband.   
“Ooooh, go on then,” Tyler laughed, and Josh broke out in a huge grin.

“Thank you so much,” he wrapped his arms around Jenna first, feeling the impression of her belly against his own. “Thank you Jenna, for everything,”  
“I should be the one saying thank you, what with you promising to look after our babies if anything happens to us,“  
“I’m sure it won’t come to that, but thank you for trusting me. It means more than you know,”  
“Love you darling,” she pecked him on the cheek, then stepped back.   
“Love you too,”

“My turn,” Tyler bundled Josh up and held him tight, allowing him to relax in the younger’s arms a little. “You’re gonna be okay, yeah? We’re gonna sort this.”  
“Yeh,” Josh believed him. For the first time, he believed him.   
“One step at a time, we’ll get you there.”  
“Thank you,”  
“You don’t need to thank me.”  
“I do, I owe you everything, thank you.” He squeezed him tight, fuelled by genuine emotion, and Tyler squeezed back for a while longer.

“I gonna write this all down for you, okay? Can’t have those pesky meds undoing all this hope we’ve found. Need you to remember.” Tyler patted him on the shoulder fondly, then went across to a drawer on the other side of the island and pulled out a pad of paper and a pen.

“Whilst he’s doing that, I’ve got something to show you,” Jenna took Josh’s hand and he allowed her to lead him out of the room and down the hall, then round a corner and into Tyler’s home office.

The room was impressive, entirely monochrome and hyper modern, with one of the large walls dedicated to the framed certificates and awards his company had won, including a few images of him shaking various important people’s hands. Josh recognised a couple of basketballers from the TV, and a guy he had seen being interviewed on the news, plus a comedian they had grown up watching. But Josh preferred to divert this attention to the photos on Tyler’s desk, the ones that really meant something to him.

He had 5 frames. The first was Emma’s most recent nursery school picture. The second was Jenna and him on their wedding day. The third was a photo of his mom when she was just a young woman herself. The fourth was him and Jenna playing with Emma in a grassy park somewhere, grins on all their faces. And the fifth, the fifth was Josh and Tyler at the grand opening of Tyler’s new headquarters.

Josh had rented a suit especially for the occasion, and had felt so anxious that he wanted to leave for the first hour, but once Tyler had finished giving speeches and shaking hands, the two of them had snuck away from the crowds of employees and stakeholders and christened his new office by lighting up a blunt under his desk. Josh didn’t really smoke at all, and Tyler had given it up since becoming a father, but in high school had been a regular. But since they’d both lost their tolerance, all it took was a few hits and they were giggling away.

It was safe to say that the second half of the evening was a lot funnier as he watched Tyler trying to remain professional and utterly failing.

The photo had been taken by Jenna, who was very aware of the cause of their amusement, and even though Josh didn’t particularly like the way he looked in it, the fact he had been positioned on Tyler’s desk alongside his family was incredibly honouring. Maybe he really was important to the man?

“Ah yes, I remember that night, you and Ty getting stoned at his grand opening. You’re just lucky none of the investors could smell it through the heavily applied aftershave like I could.” Jenna noticed him looking reminiscently at the picture.

“Perhaps that’s something you two could do together to relax again.”  
“Get high?” Josh checked to confirm they were on the same page.   
“Yeah,”   
“He stopped as soon as you guys started to try and get pregnant the first time, I don’t, I don’t think he’d want to.”  
“I beg to differ. He’s always complaining that he could do with a spliff when he’s had a long day.”

“I, uh, I probably shouldn’t, what with my meds and everything, I’m not, I’m not meant to take anything that might interact.”  
“True, hmm, maybe talk to your doctor? Because by the sounds of it, your meds aren’t the greatest. I hear weed is beneficial for depression. Only if you want to of course.”  
“It did used to make me feel kinda good.” Josh shrugged.   
“Up to you, I can’t tell you either way babe.”

Josh hadn’t thought about that being a treatment option. It was technically illegal in Ohio, but he had complete faith in Tyler to protect him from any repercussions. Maybe that was another point to add to the list of things to try that Tyler was writing up for him.

“Now, the real reason I brought you in here is to see whether you want to take these tiddlers home with you.” Jenna opened up the cabinet in the corner, and on top of a thick set of bound papers was a huge glass bowl, filled with water and hosting two goldfish.

“We bought them for you last week, I don’t know if you remember, but you didn’t take them from us. I put them in a bowl to give them some more space to swim and some oxygen, but we’re hiding them from Emma because otherwise she’ll get attached. I heard what happened to all of yours except one, and I’m so sorry. Do you feel like you’re well enough to take them home and care for them?”

“You found my lonely fish some buddies.”  
“We did.”  
“Hmm,” He was amused by the parallels between the fish and his friendship group. He’d been alone, and now all of a sudden he’d been reminded that there were other fish out there.

“I can get you a baggie to take them in, trying to take them in a car in the bowl is probably the start of some slapstick comedy sketch.”   
“Yeh I can’t imagine my mom finding that especially funny as I’m trying to scoop fish out of the footwell every time she brakes.” Josh sniggered.

“You seem better.” Jenna said after a fond smile across at him.   
“I do?”   
“I know it doesn’t mean much, but the last few times I’ve seen you, you’ve barely looked me in the eye. Has it helped? Coming up with some ideas with Ty? Because now you’re more relaxed than I’ve seen in months.”  
“It’s definitely helped. I dunno if I’d go as far as to say I’m better, but it’s definitely comforting to know I have options.”  
“Endless options, endless opportunities.” She didn’t hesitate.

“Can I make a confession?”  
“Okay,” Jenna seemed worried, but nodded anyway.   
“That card, the congratulatory one for your pregnancy, it wasn’t from me. Ty maybe already told you, but I’m on this new medication and it’s, it’s bad.”  
“He said your mom’s been worried about leaving you alone because of it.”  
“Yeah, that’s right, it’s been screwing up my cognition and my memory and, uh, and I have to take some responsibility as well, I didn’t do enough to ensure I remembered, but basically the card is faked. Tyler knew you were rightly upset about my lack of support, and he got frustrated with my lack of contributions, so he ended up writing the card on my behalf.” He admitted, bracing for her reaction.

“He tried copying how you always write in caps, but you think I didn’t recognise my husband’s handwriting?”  
“You knew??”  
“I knew.”  
“I’m so sorry,”  
“It’s okay-“  
“It’s honestly not, and I’m so sorry.”  
“I won’t lie to you, I was upset, but a lot of things have been upsetting me recently, and this was one of the few things that Ty could actually fix for me.” Jenna tucked some of her loose hair behind her left ear. “He couldn’t bring back his mom, he couldn’t bring back our miscarried baby, he couldn’t promise me that this pregnancy will go to full term, he couldn’t hurry Emmy’s speech improvements up, but he was feeling a bit useless because he sees it as his job to fix everything for his family. He couldn’t fix any of that, but he could forge a card. I understand why you weren’t able to do it, and I understand why he faked it. I understand, okay?”

“You’re not mad?”  
“Why would I be mad? You’re sick, and you’ve been put on medication that makes you sicker. None of that is your fault, I’ve got absolutely no reason to be mad.”

“I just need you to know that I do support you, I do.”  
“I know, Josh.”  
“You make Ty so happy, you give him so much strength and you keep him grounded at the same time, and I couldn’t have asked for a better wife for my best friend.”  
“Bless you,” she seemed flattered, and he smiled. “Come on, let’s go find him again,”

“Should I bring the fish?”   
“Depends. If you wanna go home pretty soon then yeah, bring em and I’ll bag em. But if you wanna hang out with us for the rest of the day then I say let them chill in the big bowl a bit longer.”  
“Would that be okay? Me sticking around? Or do you want me to get out of your hair?”  
“You’re more than welcome to stay darling. We’re gonna have some lunch pretty soon, which I know might be difficult for you, so you could go home and come back in an hour? Or go in another room with your mom? Or go for a walk around the neighbourhood? Whatever. It’s up to you.”  
“Could I stay? I already ate before I came, but I could help Emma feed herself or something?”  
“You’ll be okay with that? Being around food?”   
“I think so? Plus focussing on Em, it’ll be a big help I think.”  
“I hope so Josh, I really hope so.”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since this is only a short story, I won’t do an epilogue, so you can imagine it however you wish!   
> 1) If you’re an optimist then all their plans were effective and Josh now picks up Emma on a Friday and they ride the bus from nursery to an ice cream parlour, then eat ice cream the rest of the way back to Tyler’s house, where Jenna and Tyler are waiting with their newborn, who’s brought them both so much peace after the recent losses. 
> 
> Or
> 
> 2) If you’re like me and thrive off angst, everything has fallen apart and blah blah blah, Josh is in hospital and has a tube again, Tyler can’t connect with the baby because he’s too heartbroken over the miscarriage and the fact his mom will never meet him, and eventually the tension between him and jenna escalated and he leaves. He moves in with his mourning shell of a father and loses all motivation too, and doesn’t visit Josh. The absence of a friend tears Josh apart from the inside and he too stop fighting. The end. 
> 
> But believe the happy one, cos, idk, it’s christmas??? 
> 
> I hope to post again soon, because I am working on some stuff for the wheelchair fic and the autism series, but it probably won’t be before Christmas, so happy holidays everyone!   
> I’m gonna be in hospital this year, which sucks, but I’m gonna have a redo with my family once I’m discharged, so if you have a bad day too then remember that you can always find another day to celebrate, and I hope everyone else has a good day <3 xx
> 
> Maisie xxx


End file.
